Big house, little house
I am constantly changing. While many people are much the same today as they were yesterday (or last week or twenty years ago), I’m always evolving. This isn’t necessarily good or bad — it’s just who I am. Some of my friends think I’m fickle. I get that. (Kris tells me that I go through “phases”.) I prefer to view this constant change as growth. I don’t want to be the same person tomorrow as I am today. I enjoy the evolution.
But this continued growth creates complications. For one thing, it’s difficult for the Present Me to predict what the Future Me will like. Sometimes I’m right — but sometimes I’m wrong. (It’s not just me. Happiness expert Daniel Gilbert says that people are surprisingly bad at guessing what will bring them joy.)
Related: Last November, I wrote about how tough it is for the Present You to make plans for the Future You.
Over the past couple of years, a variety of forces have been acting on my mind, subtly forcing me in new directions. (Mental glaciation!) I’ve been traveling. I’ve been reading. I’ve been talking to folks with unconventional lives. Pressure has been building. Then, earlier this month, the World Domination Summit burst things open. Now I find that I’m eager to shake up my current life and try something new.
I want to meet new people and see how they live. I want to see natural wonders — and man-made wonders, too. I want to try new food. I want jump out of airplanes and swim with the sharks, trek over mountains and get lost in the jungle. (But not too lost.) I want to taste the world.
And so, I came home one night last week and announced, “I don’t want to live here anymore.”
Dream House
Kris and I own an 1800-square-foot farmhouse set on two-thirds of an acre. Our land is park-like: We’re surrounded by trees and shrubs, and we’ve spent the past eight years building a food-producing garden filled with herbs, vegetables, berry canes, and fruit trees. Despite the rural feel, our home is located in a typical suburban neighborhood about fifteen minutes from downtown Portland, which makes the place unique. (“I’ve never seen a property like this,” our real-estate agent told us when we first toured the house.)
When we bought this house in 2004, it was my dream home. I fell in love with it instantly. I’d always wanted to live in an old farmhouse, a place with charm and character. I was so emotionally invested in the house that I was willing to make a poor financial decision to buy it. (Thus setting into motion the course of events that would lead to my financial nadir and, eventually, the creation of Get Rich Slowly.)
Over the years, though, the house has become less of an oasis and more of a chore. Today, it seems like a burden. Yes, the yard is beautiful, but it requires constant maintenance. I’d rather be writing than pruning shrubs. And ninety minutes to mow the lawn? Ugh. Plus, the house itself seems too big for two people — even with all of our Stuff. We have whole rooms we rarely use. In short, this is no longer my dream house.
I’ve made oblique references to this problem for years now. (And sometimes, in the comments, the references have been decidedly non-oblique.) But until recently, my discontent has never taken any form other than mumbling. Now, though, I feel moved to action.
No Quick Fix
Unfortunately, it’s not easy to simply say “I don’t want to live here anymore” and move on to someplace new. Selling (or buying) a home is a huge undertaking. There are many things to consider.
For one, I’m not sure what I really want. I know what I don’t want — which is this house — but I’m not sure where I’d rather live. An apartment? A smaller house? In the country? In the city? It’s tough to choose something different when you don’t actually know what you want.
Also, the Stuff is still an issue. Yes, I’ve been slowly purging things for the past four years, but I still have way too much. I still feel overwhelmed. (This is primarily because my definition of “needs” keeps shrinking. I mean, I can live out of a single carry-on suitcase for a month when I travel. Why do I need rooms filled with Stuff when I’m home?) If we’re going to move, I don’t want to take all of this with me.
Note: One idea that appeals to me: Move to a smaller place, but only take the bare essentials. Then, for six months (or a year or whatever), whenever we need something from the old house, move it over. At the end of six months, sell whatever hasn’t been moved and sell the old house.
And, of course, there are financial ramifications. Does it really make sense to sell in this market? I’m fortunate to be in a position that allows me to work from anywhere. Kris has a job that she loves, though, and it’s tied to a specific location. How do we account for this? (Also, what about the costs of my proposed travel?)
But the biggest reason Kris and I don’t just pick up and move to someplace smaller is that she still loves our home. This is her dream house. I’ve changed; she hasn’t. I may be unhappy here, but she’d be unhappy moving elsewhere — especially when I don’t even know what it is I want.
Thus, there’s no quick fix to this situation. I remain discontented.
Stumbling Toward Happiness
I’m not sure what we’ll do in the long-term. This isn’t one of those posts where I describe a problem and then share a solution. We haven’t found a solution. Instead, after a couple of talks, Kris and I have decided on some stop-gap measures:
- I will explore solo travel. It may be that I won’t even like extended travel alone. It appeals to me right now, but what if I hate it? There’s no way to know unless I try. So, for the rest of the year, I’m going to head out on a series of personal adventures. (Thanks to the many GRS readers who have written with advice and offers to host me, by the way. You’re very kind.)
- I’ll hire somebody to do the yardwork I’m neglecting. It pains me to pay for this, but I have to face reality: I hate doing yardwork. I’d rather be writing and/or traveling. (And besides, the writing makes me money.) I’ll do what I can around the house, but hire somebody to do the rest. This will require giving up my comic-book habit, but I’m okay with that. I’d rather travel.
- I’ll be more diligent about purging my Stuff. As Adam Baker can attest, my workshop is filled with books and magazines and games and outdated electronics. There’s no need for me to keep all of this. Instead of just thinking about it, I need to actively shed this physical (and mental) baggage.
These are first steps. They’ll buy us time while I’m trying to discover who I am and what I want to do. If I’m still feeling oppressed in the winter or the spring, Kris and I will explore other options. Though, to be honest, I have no idea what those options might be.
Recently, Tammy Strobel from Rowdy Kittens offered an hilarious solution. Tammy and her husband are building a tiny house. She suggested that I could build a tiny house and put it in the middle of our huge lawn. “Then you could have what you want and Kris could have what she wants,” Tammy said. Clever. We’re not to that point yet, but who knows? Maybe next year at this time, I’ll be living like a gypsy in the middle of our yard.
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There are 273 comments to "Big house, little house".
Yes. I am having the same conundrum. Right now I am living with my part-time kids in a very small house with a landlord that does the yard work. I only garden if and when I want to. The whole house can be cleaned in about an hour, top to bottom. I can’t own much stuff because it is too small. I still find I have things to let go of though because they are from my old life and not my new. I thought I would buy a house, but I really find I like calling the landlord for repairs instead of doing it myself. And my kids will be off in less than 10 years; what will I want to do then? Right now I think I want to work overseas at that point and maybe I really don’t want to be saddled with selling a house at that time. I do find that living frugally and simply and thoughtfully will keep as many of my options open as possible. Another problem is that I often drop interests and then want to pick them up later. I used to spend my time making quilts and other crafts. So I have a lot of fabric although I also gave away a great deal. I think the moment I get rid of all of it, my interest will revive. The same for other interests. I find I have been frequently looking for some old favorite book that I gave away ages ago. I really cannot predict what I will be like or want or need in 10 years. Without such a hectic life (work, kids, grad school), I may really get back to all of those cookbooks and craft supplies. Or maybe not…
Regarding the phenomenon of getting interested in a craft/hobby as soon as you give a bunch of supplies away — could it be that you were dissatisfied with your existing projects, but unwilling to leave them unfinished, so you gave up on the whole craft? Then once you let go of those particular projects, the craft became appealing again.
Sometimes for me I’m frustrated at how a particular project is turning out. Other times, I actually don’t like the craft; I like the idea of it. Hard to distinguish till I go through the cycle a few times.
Grab a copy of Barbara Sher’s Refuse to Choose!: Use All of Your Interests, Passions, and Hobbies to Create the Life and Career of Your Dreams. Yes, it’s a bit self-helpy, with endless numbers of miserable people who just followed her simple advice and are now happy as clams, but the actual tips and suggestions are fantastic.
What I got from it – be honest about what you enjoy in a project/craft/hobby and that there’s nothing wrong with dropping said P/C/H when you are no longer enjoying it. I like taking craft classes and learning new things, so I no longer pretend that the class was a waste because I’m not actually doing any art book making. I now have plastic bins with tools and as many basic supplies as fit. I only buy materials where I can picture myself making the object and know what will become of it. I still tend to overcommit myself in terms of knitting, but it feels bounded.
I would go through the stop-gap measures first before selling the house, especially if Kris is really happy. Is the reason you don’t like it financial and you think there are better places to put your money towards or do you just not like the house? You think this might just be an existential crisis?
Ah, AC, this is a good question. Is it a financial issue or an existential issue? To be honest, it’s probably more of the latter. Financially, we’re fine. But I seem to be going through some sort of minor mid-life crisis. (How trite!)
There’s no question that we’ll work through the stop-gap measures (and probably other measures, too) before we do anything drastic. Kris really does love the house.
I read this and immediately thought midlife crisis…. 🙂
Me too, but I fully support JD in pursuing his ambitions. I think we should all chase our dreams, even if they seem trite and fickle.
What I can tell you JD, from my own experience, is that you’ll love skydiving, and solo travel isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I find when I’m on the other side of the planet by myself, I miss my girlfriend and wish she was there with me. I have no doubt you’ll feel the same way. Yes, it’s fun to travel and explore, but if there’s no one to share those moments with, it seems less…valuable. You’ll know what I mean when you’re out there on your own…(or maybe you won’t.)
Good luck either way!
This seems to be going around. We’ve noticed it with friends and with ourselves (mid-life crisis). I’ve been aching to read The Power of Half and told my husband the other day that we could ready the house for sale — mostly just for the thrill of downsizing the maintenance. But we laughed it off as we have small kids and plenty of stuff.
People tend to think of so-called midlife crisis as a sort of pathetic middle class phase but its really just the very real sense of how much time there is and come to the realization that we only have so much time left. I’m 55 and I find myself really grieving those things that I now know I really probably won’t be able to do. In your 40’s you still have the sense of urgency to get it all in. If you don’t pay attention to that urgency you may regret it. Do what you need to do, I predict it will settle down later. Don’t buy a Winnebago and spend the rest of your life traveling in it, many tried that and it didn’t seem to work :)!
hrm… this (seemingly widening) gap between what you want and what Kris wants worries me JD!
I think that in a lot of ways living a simpler life can mean making do with what you have just as much as reducing or simplifying. I also really don’t like that this is still Kris’ dream house and you want a change!
Regardless – I recommend getting rid of as much stuff as you can, and then traveling. Maybe not always internationally – maybe to a writer’s retreat, or a reader’s cabin they let you borrow, or to an apartment you can try out for size.
But frankly, I would scrap the idea of looking at this as an imminent change unless it is one Kris is as excited about as you are.
Kris is being very supportive of my changing goals. She’s okay with the idea of solo travel. She can get behind the idea of me purging my Stuff. She’s even willing to accept the fact that I might hire somebody to do yardwork.
But because this is still Kris’ dream house, I’m not willing to press for radical change. I understand that I need to find a way to work through this in a way that supports her needs and desires, too. That’s our aim. 🙂
JD –
These are great intermmediate actions. Solo travel especially will go a long way in helping you with self-discovery without making permanent changes. Who knows you might even gain a new appreciation for the house when you get back.
On bon’s idea of a writer’s cabin, how about you find a vacation home to rent for a month at a time? (Not buy as that would be a whole different ball game)
-Charlotte
One more thing – will a Rocio Romero LV house fit in Rosings? It is my dreamhome, google it!
Nice! I’m guessing that if building a tiny house on the lot is possible and Kris likes the big farmhouse, that a more traditional-looking tiny house might be more appealing. I think that’s a pretty valid idea and could incorporate JD’s concept of moving only the essentials out there over time. Maybe find something, try it out, have Kris try it out and see what you both think. Good luck!!
Great idea! Build a tiny house on your property, put in only the essentials, and use it as your retreat. Hire someone to do the yardwork and maintenance if you don’t want to do it anymore (you don’t want your beautiful yard to become seedy). Then you can be happy and pursue some of your desires, and Kris can be happy too. And if you change back and decide this house is once again your dream, you won’t have lost it (since it’s such a unique property, you’d never find something like it again).
I also often have an itch for change and for new experiences, including moving. What helps me is to plan the change, to research different places and ways of living, to just think about different things. The thinking and planning is one of my hobbies. Usually once I’ve thought it to death, I don’t really want to do it any more. But the thinking entertains me in the mean time. I also agree about just trying new activities that aren’t involved with moving. I’m trying to do more of that now, so my life isn’t just about work and decompressing at home.
Luckily, I have a spouse who isn’t so eager to do new things constantly so my gypsy urges are toned down by his tastes.
Kestra – I do this too! Glad I’m not the only one. Recently I thought it would be great to live off the grid for a while, in a cabin or something like that. By the time I was done researching all the details… what kind of kerosene lamps to buy? etc. I was totally over the idea, and decided that what I really wanted was to just focus on reducing my resource consumption here in my urban home. 🙂
Sounds like you got really spun up and are still riding the high.
Every house has it’s good & bad.
It sounds to me like you think this house belongs to the “old” you and now you want to move somewhere that the “new” you can feel like the ownership.
I think a lot of couples go through this when they get together – ie they have to have a new house to be “theirs”.
I can relate to your conundrum because I’m in a similar place. My house is much smaller than yours but I still find its care and upkeep (and the volume of “stuff” it holds) overwhelming. My husband and I joke about how silly it is to have a 1300 sq ft house when we’re nearly always together in a few small rooms. We’re working together to radically rework our living quarters (and life) in the next five years.
Since you enjoy writing, I suggest you write about what you want your home to do for you. What kind of feeling do you want to get from it? What will it contain? How will you interact with it on a regular basis?
So many people start off thinking about the features of a house they want (# of bedrooms, # of bathrooms, size of lot, apartment or detached). But the better approach is to think of the functions you want and how you want to interact with your home.
That would probably open up all kinds of possibilities that you haven’t considered yet.
Hiring a lawn care company is a good example of you already trying to figure out what will make your current home work better for you.
Good luck to both you and Kris as you shape your life and home.
Your house looks so much bigger than 1800 square feet. Anyway…
When I first start reading your article, I thought “try paying someone to do some of the tasks you feel bogged down by and see if it becomes your dream home again”. Think about it, I am sure you make more money writing than you would paying someone to do yard work. It will give you more time to generate income if you want to look at it that way. (or to golf, your choice.)
Your house is my dream home, I would absolute love it. However, I can see where it would be difficult to maintain. That is why you should just pay the experts to do it, and then you can focus on what you are an expert on. Or, buy a bunch of goats…
Or, buy a bunch of goats…
So hilarious on so many levels. 🙂
(Kris loves goats. We’ve talked about getting them in the past. It hadn’t occurred to me to suggest these as a solution to our current dilemma, primarily because our talks have been sober and not silly. But I like it!)
Sometimes the silliest talks can yield the best results. Upon lamenting the fact I can’t afford to rent where I study, a friend today suggested that I rent a boat on the canal instead. I’m now looking at it. Totally silly throwaway comment, but it might change my life forever.
J.D.,
Goats are in-discriminatory about what they eat and would eat your deliberately planted garden.
Katy
And anything else they can get their mouth on. On the other hand, you can milk them and make all kinds of foods, soap, etc.
or you build a temporary fence on the lawn where you want the goats to be
I was also going to suggest hiring yard help and then saw you mentioned that as a stop-gap, woot! And sometimes fun ideas like the goats make the subject easier to deal with. 🙂
You may find you love your home but don’t like maintenance (like me). I happily pay for biweekly lawn care so I can enjoy my home and pursue blogging full time uninterrupted by the yard stuff I don’t like. It allows me to enjoy our home instead of resenting it and is totally worth the $50 a month in my opinion for our small yard (it’s like 1/10th of your yard which is gorgeous) – I bet it will make things way better for you too! Good luck!
I have just recently started following our blog, but I understand what you mean by the constant little changes, A friend of mine calls the “mini-deaths that bring forth new life within an individual”.
Lololol! Is that like the other “petite morte” that leads to new life?
J.D.,
I just finished a book written from a scientific view of happiness called The How of Happiness. It the book it discusses how our brains are naturally inclined to something known as hedonistic adaptation.
Basically the theory (which seems evident to me once pointed out) is that any shiny new thing or experience we are exposed to, we get used to and adapt over time and begin the itch for another shiny new thing or experience. I guess your situation would feed that “need” since you say your desire in constant change.
I don’t think it’s unrealistic for one person to live in the home primarily while the other travels for periods of time and makes money. Isn’t that what truck drivers all across the country do?
It sounds like it’s the upkeep of the house (and perhaps even the guilt you feel about neglecting it) that is making you have negative feelings about it. Money is not a concern, so outsource the stuff you hate to do. Hire someone for gardening. Hire someone to paint your trim, tighten shutters, clean your gutters, etc.
There is no shame in paying someone else to do the stuff that you don’t want to do IF you can afford it. In fact, that’s one of the perks of becoming wealthy.
I also think you should be hiring a professional organizer to sit with you a few times and systematically go through your Stuff and teach you the thinking patterns that are associated with letting go. Once you understand the internal dialog you’re having with yourself that makes you want to keep things, it will be easier to stop those patterns and rewire your brain.
As for selling the house, try to live with it on different terms and see if you can fall in love with it again (why does this feel like marriage advice?)
I’m going to agree with Alexandra. I think you should move quickly to resolve as many of these issues as you can. You will end up spending some $ along the way, but it’s a lot cheaper than travel or more permanent decisions. I would then urge you to pay special attention to your mini mid-life crisis and see if these really are the issues or are these simply a symptom of something more?
I have lived in both a big house with huge grounds and a small house with huge grounds. The grounds are the problem for me and the eventual, after all the work has been done, pleasure! Big houses for me are not the problem, close off the rooms you don’t use, until you have your visitors. Big homes tend to look much tidier even if tney are a tad messy whereas small homes look cramped and visually unappealable g if not kept really tidy. I’m moving to a much bigger house with just trees and a lawn to mow with a ride on. Snuggling into fewer rooms in the winter and opening them out in the summer. Someone to vaccum is a huge help the rest isn’t really difficult to manage you have enough room for everything to be stored well. I think it’s often a matter of organisation of belongings.
JD, I trust your judgement and I know that you love Kris, so I’m not too worried you will do this, but – be careful not to give up something real and specific that Kris loves for something nebulous that you have an itch for. If someone does that too many times, it can break their partner’s heart. As you know, relationships are more important than things or money.
It sounds like you have a solid plan that does not involve moving too fast, so, good luck.
I like the Tiny House suggestion, and the “buy a bunch of goats” suggestion. I very much like that you and Kris feel free to grapple with something as difficult as divergent desires.
Is having a large lawn something either of you really loves, or could you go wild and do something totally different with the space?
J.D., I am having the exact same feelings about my life right now as well. My 22 year old self wanted to rush into the American Dream of owning a home and having a 9-5 office job. Five years later, I am NOT that person anymore. I fantasize every day about selling my house and quitting my job. Due to my mortgage being underwater and the housing market being terrible, I haven’t made a move yet. This, in turn, chains me to a job I don’t care about, with exception to the money I make. I do like your ideas for stop-gap measures. I am planning a one-month trip (at least) to Mexico and Central America. I don’t have enough time off work to do this, but I have to do it before I become completely apathetic to everything. If I get fired, so be it!
Erin, when I was 29 I found myself in a job I hated and with nearly $10,000 in my savings account. I quit my job and moved to France. It was perhaps reckless and not at all financially wise, but I still consider it one of the best things I’ve ever done. I ended up getting a job teaching English there. I didn’t have a mortgage though…perhaps you could rent out your home?
You may want to be a little less reckless than I was. I ended up having to live with my parents for a year when I came back to California! Good luck whatever you do.
You might find, that if you get out from under the mortage (by extra payments to not be underwater) you feel better about your situation just because you’re not stuck.
That does it for me. I hate being stuck in any way, but having a plan in place for how I could manage without my job, or without my partner, lets me see the value in them that the horrible imprisoned feeling obscured. (Or not, in the case of some jobs – but then I feel better and can perform well while looking for a new job).
I live in the same house my husband bought new 30 years ago. We were married in the living room. I always say we will be buried in the orchard out back under the apple trees. 🙂 We are a people with roots that go deep. Our house is 2,800 sq ft and we use every single inch of it. In fact, a lot of the bedrooms double for other things. One bedroom is also the grandkids playroom. Another one is a guest bedroom with a fold away partition used to make the bedroom into a “school room” for my tutoring business.
Our home sits on half an acre. My husband and I are now in our 50’s and the work of this place is taking it’s toll on us. However, I do not even entertain the idea of leaving here. I have done exactly what you are suggesting, JD. I have outsourced the work. I have tutors helping me with the teaching. I hired a landscaper to do what my 10 year old son cannot do outdoors.
I have a housekeeper once a week, and a college girl that comes in two days a week (my tutoring days) to run errands, answer phones, watch the kids and do the myriad of other little things that it takes to keep a household running.
Now that I have outsourced a portion of the work, I am loving it. I enjoy my job more now and I don’t feel so stressed about the things I wasn’t getting done. It’s liberating to hire someone to do the things you can’t do anymore or that you don’t want to do anymore. I really think you should try that route before selling the place. And hey, maybe you could take in a boarder to use one of the empty rooms and to bring in a little money on the side!
For those who are unaware (which is probably everyone), Mrs. Darling is my cousin. (She provided a couple of guest posts back in the early days of GRS.) Mrs. Darling and I have radically different lives and world views, but share the bond of family. It’s interesting to learn that she’s made some similar decisions.
I love this post because I am going through something similar. We just bought a new house less than a year ago and I hate it. Some of my hate is directly related to the house (renovations needed) and some are more general like upkeep. As much as I hated renting b/c it was unstable, I miss those days of low responsibility.
And like you, my husband and I are not on the same wavelength. I also have kids which makes thing a lot more complicated. But the thing that scares me is that I always think the grass is greener somewhere else but when I get there the grass is just as brown. I think I am just the type of person that is chronically discontent. But freedom from home ownership sure sounds good to me.
Carrie, it sounds to me like some time invested with a good therapist to see if you have depression would be well spent.
I’ve gone through something similar, Carrie, and constant feelings of discontent can ruin your life. That sounds like a mindset you should get some help with before you make any decisions.
All best wishes.
Your stop-gap measures – particularly paying for a gardener – sound like great first steps before such a big, costly change. I agree with bon above about the potential hazard of you and Kris growing in different directions. I suspect you’re just now being able to *really* explore your wants, needs and desires after getting your finances in order and have found a fulfilling job and interesting hobbies. Perhaps you’ll find when the house isn’t a hassle and when you’re home less often, you’ll place less importance on where you live, and then you and Kris can stay in her dream home.
Living in a big city (London) has taught me how much more I love our 2 bedroom, 600sq ft flat than the big (5-8,000 sq ft) family homes I grew up in. We aren’t minimalists, but we generally acquire less Stuff, and really enjoy keeping around things we love and find useful. It’s also taught us what aspects of our home we like the most and want to grow/enhance in our next place – a proper dining space (we love to cook and enjoy meals together), more space for entertaining (we like sharing meals with others, too), and a couple more bedrooms (assuming kids come along, so they have somewhere to live and we can house our parents when they visit). It’s nice that we’ve been able to start from a good place financially (ie similar views toward saving, investing, etc and able to pay our mortgage off very early in life) and that we can grow our home to meet our wants rather than having to purge or down-size and figure out what we don’t really need. I think it’s a lot harder to go from having a lot of Stuff and being confused to stripping ourself down to find out what you really want.
I’ve been fairly lucky in my marriage so far. In our nearly 6 years together (married for nearly 2 yrs), my husband and I have grown together, and have had to make few compromise to fulfill both of our dreams. I suspect that as we reach and go through our 30’s and if/when we have children, that our decision making and goal setting will become more challenging though.
I’d like to echo bon’s comments above.
I’m the master (mistress?) of major life change, and thankfully my husband is usually on board. But I would urge you to tread carefully here. You’re going through a *huge* amount of change right now- be sure you don’t wind up leaving Kris behind. You guys have a wonderful thing going.
What about buying or renting a second home? Since you can work from anywhere,you could spend a month or two every year by a lake or in the country, or even a different place every year. That would meet your need for change while Kris gets to stay where she is. Also, she can visit you on the weekends.
In our area, the great regret of many midlifers is their second home (“lake homes” in a state of many lakes) because now there’s upkeep in TWO places!
I sometimes dream of replacing our lawn with astro-turf, but pretty sure the HOA would not approve.
I like this suggestion. You could rent out a place for 2-3 months in Thailand, Indonesia, or other (cheaper to the dollar) places to explore those areas and how you would feel living in a different setting and still write to bring in the money to pay for it.
Honestly, it sounds like you have the “change” bug – that is, you want something big and important to occur in your life and thus you are doing things to make it so – and they aren’t big enough, so you want to go bigger, and your house is the biggest thing (besides Kris) in your life. We were, after all, meant for a nomadic life – but that doesn’t mean you need to ditch everything you know.
Try the long term travel – maybe enough months away will bring back the love you felt when you bought your current house, and remind you of what you enjoy about life while still letting you experience new things.
If you’d asked me 10 years ago whether I’d want to live in an apartment in a city, I’d have told you that you were crazy. My husband and I lived in a large farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, had dogs, a huge garden, enjoyed doing hours of outside work, and considered ourselves “country people.” Over the years we found the house to be too much and we downsized. An ill-advised move to the East Coast for a job that didn’t pan out put us in a poor financial position. We have since climbed out of that financial hole and moved back to the Midwest. Through these experiences, our idea of what makes us happy has evolved.
Earlier this year, my husband was offered a great, new job that required that we move to a small city. Even though where we live now wouldn’t be a “city” by most people’s standards, it’s huge to us since we both grew up in tiny towns. Our dogs have all passed away, so it’s just the two of us and we decided to try apartment life for a while. Surprisingly, we love it! Our week-ends are spent exploring our new city, getting out of town for some hiking, or taking week-end trips. We now feel like we have the freedom to travel more too. No worries about having someone take care of our house or pets while we’re gone.
Our other surprise was how much more money we now have. Owning a home has a lot of added expenses beyond the mortgage payment. Renting may be considered “throwing away money,” but for us right now it’s the best financial decision. It also allows us to be more open to taking advantage of job promotion opportunities that would require us to move to other locations.
The downsizing over the years from a 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom farmhouse to our current 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment was initially a struggle. But the sense of freedom that we now have is amazing.
I think you’re wise to take babysteps and not jump to make any rash moves right now. It’s not a waste to pay someone to do yardwork or housework if you have the room in your budget for it, and if it frees you up to enjoy your life more. Best of luck on whatever final decision you make.
My partner and I are on the same page with not wanting our current house – too old, too big, too much yard, too much work. What we’re NOT in agreement about yet is, what next? I would like a radical change – a tiny, semi-underground house, or a condo and a community garden plot; he would like a house just like this one but slightly smaller, slightly newer, easier upkeep.
So we’re plugging along with fixing up this one to sell for best price when the market picks up, and discussing (and discussing, and discussing) what the next step would be. I hope to have an agreement by 2019, when our son finished his current K-8 school and we have a great window for change.
You are more like me- and Kris like my husband. I travel about six times a year (usually to family- but sometimes just anywhere). He loves to be home. Fortunately,he also loves to mow the 19 acres that we live on. My wanderlust does take a toll on our marriage- but after 29 years it is what it is.
I finally evaluated it. He spends his allowance on tools and house. I spend it on travel. We both maintain the house- and will until the day he dies. I think if the house went- so would our marriage. That “expense” is not worth it.
I have a tiny house all picked out in case he leaves the earth before I do. The kids have about three more years to get any of my family stuff before it is entirely purged. Just doing that makes me feel much lighter.
We are the opposite couple. I joke with my wife that if she were to pass on before me I would gut the house of 90% of the contents and downsize to a smaller home. I would then travel. What stops me now is attending an old dog, and very old parents. My spouse is still bringing in items from her father’s estate that has yet to settle after over four years. My parents expect us kids to take the contents of their nearly 6 decades of clutter. I envy your ability to travel as we stopped working at 50 and can afford the expense but are held fast by obligations. My question would be, is your husband getting the short end of the stick being a homebody or is he content with that?
I’ve been through several rounds of this, as I’ve moved from the idealistic young woman with time on her hands to the overburdened middle-aged working mother.
I actually love Tammy’s tiny house idea. Try it, see if you like it. Maybe you put it in the garden at Rosings (which would make it a plus as an “in-law apt” or guest space when you sell), or in a woodsy spot outside the city, but close enough for you & Kris to see each other regularly and you can keep for a vacation home if you move back to Rosings.)
As for the yardwork, you and Kris might put some thought into how you can change the landscaping to reduce the burden of yardwork. I adore flower gardens, but as my time commitments increased the time I had for garden maintenance has decreased. My solution was to create one smaller flower garden in a central location that could be seen from all the places I wanted: from the bay window in the living room, from the front steps as I leave the house, from the driveway as guests walk up to the entrance.
Good luck with your existential crisis!
When my husband and I owned a large home in suburban Seattle in the late 70s, I was very unhappy. It was too big, too sprawling, too boring and too middle-class for the person I felt I was. At the time, I signed a quitclaim deed, so that he was the owner and I paid him rent. It was a mistake to buy it, but before we could sell it, we gradually moved into the living room. Created our own little cocoon of an apartment there. Would have moved the stove and the fridge in there if we could. The point is, if you’re not ready to move out of the house, you can create a little house within the big house.
It sounds like you and Kris allow each other a lot of freedom. Travel, having a second apartment, renting part of it, etc. are all options.
I do empathize with your situation. But one question…my husband and I chuckle (ruefully) over my “Town Charming” syndrome. Every town I visit, I think, I want to live there! Eugene! Ashland! Oaxaca! Portland! Bellingham! (Been there, done that) Could you be experiencing “Home Charming”?
About the goats, folks … remember that these animals are SMART (and LOUD) and not necessarily the best choice for a non-farm situation! Sheep might be a better fit, don’t have to worry about out-thinking them 🙂
Andrea’s right…also, goats are browsers not grazers, that means they eat leaves, not grass. If you turned sheep and goats loose on your property, sheep would eat the grass, goats would eat the shrubs and trees. I love goats, we have 9 of them, but nobody should acquire an animal without doing thorough research first.
nice house that is….
Given that you and Kris keep separate finances, would it make you happier if she paid more toward the house, freeing up more of your money for other things?
How is that fair? They both own the home, both live there and are both responsible for it.
To me, it wouldn’t be fair, but maybe to them, it would be! Who knows!
No. Kris pays her fair share, and she shoulders much of the workload around the house. That’s not the issue. The issue is I don’t like my share of the work because it detracts from other things I’d rather be doing. (Which, fortunately, make me money.)
Maybe you and Kris should set up another “laundry agreement.”
I think once you don’t have to do the yard work anymore, you’ll be fine. The benefits of outsourcing a chore you loathe (if you can afford to) are well worth it.
One thing that always makes me fall in love with my house is redecorating a room (albeit on the cheap). I’ve become somewhat of an expert at redoing a room (paint, drapery, and furniture) for a $200-300 bucks and in the end it always becomes such a source of pride and pleasure. An added bonus is that it forces me to go through and organize/donate/sell the stuff in that room. Not that decorating is your thing, but perhaps there are other small projects or improvements that would reconnect you to your home.
You are so right on about not being able to predict what your future self will want or where you’ll be. I recently went through a divorce (didn’t predict that) and live in a 1bd apt. I’m saving up for the house I’ve always wanted. I have the perfect Tumbleweed house picked out – even have a framed pic of it to inspire me.
A couple weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend about how as single people everything for the household falls on us – grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing the car, etc. I’m already so busy at this point I don’t really have time to add in a house and a garden. Given a choice between cleaning a house and working in the garden, I want the garden.
So now I’m wondering how small a house I can really comfortably live in. I think a tiny house is too little but is it? Will my future self think it is? And I like being single but if I get involved with someone else, will it be too small for him? What if he’s really tall and I pick the short ceilings options?
So I feel for you, JD!
Wanting different things than what your spouse wants can be difficult too but you two are so creative and good at compromise (as evidenced by the laundry agreement 🙂 among other things) that I’m sure you’ll come up with a good solution.
Love the tumbleweed designs! They are very well thought-out and similar to the house I ended up purchasing. I am a single person in 440 square feet. I would say you have to enjoy efficient living, but it does not ever feel crowded or cramped. I try to make purchases of furniture sized to fit the space. I spend A LOT of time with my tape measure seeing if pieces will fit!!
J.D., my initial thought is why isn’t Kris contributing to funding the yardwork? If I remember correctly, you’re paying for cleaning because you’re not as tidy, but I don’t think it’s fair where you are still a seperate pots couple, you take care of cleaning support and yard crew. Yard work is one of those couple responsibilities (unless the couple decides that cleaning up inside for both people is one person’s responsibility and cleaning up outside for both is the other’s).
On a different but similar note, I wonder if you are throwing out the baby with the bath water. It sounds like you have small aspects that bother you with the house, and you are pinning the dislikes altogether on the house. I recall post about you walking in your neighborhood or going to the gym and you seem to like the location of your house. If you don’t like trimming hedges or mowing the lawn, change those aspects. Get rid of the bushes and plant small ornamental trees that don’t grow much (and don’t require trimming). Do you have a good riding lawn mover? Mowing the lawn can be fun on some of those–and done quickly.
As for the house being too big, it’s 1800 sq. feet. While a better-sized house may be 1200 sq. feet, that’s not a HUGE amount of difference and doesn’t really change the tasks that need doing. See this an oppt. If you have rooms that you don’t use much, take ALL your stuff and store it in an extra room for a year. Pull out only those things that you need and want. Then sell or give the other items away. (You can incorporate your idea today of purging, by using your current house instead of moving to a new house to purge).
Some people can live in an 800 sq. foot home very well, or less, but I would play that one out at your home before moving to something too small. I know many couples that need more brething room and personal space. Again, you can try it out in your own home. Close off x number of rooms so you have an 800 sq foot home and see if you are happy living in that small of a space together.
DH and I live in 800 square feet and love(ed) it. We could clean the whole thing top to bottom in an hour or less, and all our space was well used. Until we got kids, that is. Now, it is feeling cramped. For us, 400 square feet per person feels about right if it is laid our well. YMMV.
Maybe you can look for a house swap in the Portland area? Consider what you would want in a new home and find someone looking for what you have. Swap houses for 1-4 weeks and continue about your normal lives. Even Kris may find it an interesting experiment.
You may find it’s a case of “you don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone”, and run back to your home. Kris may also be surprised with things she doesn’t miss.
Granted, such a short swap doesn’t consider the longer term factors like house maintenance and such.
If you can afford to pay someone to take over the tasks you find burdensome I think that might be a great partial solution. As for the extra rooms I’d say you should de-clutter and get rid of your stuff like you’re moving into a tiny house and then just ignore the extra rooms or turn them over for Kris’s use. If you have unused space, so what?
Where you are living isn’t a huge part of your life, HOW you are living is. Changing how you live my satisfy the itch to change where you live. Challenging yourself within the confines of your own home to meet your ideals is probably more meaningful and lasting than just buying plane tickets or jumping out of airplanes.
If I didn’t have to work, I’d do exactly what you’re considering doing: leave my homebody husband at home, and travel. 🙂 I think it’s a great idea! My hubby’s idea of financial freedom is being able to afford a big house and all the accoutrements; mine is to own as little as possible and travel the world. We meet in the middle by renting a medium-size house and traveling as much as our jobs/income will allow. You may just be experiencing a deep personal wanderlust; after a couple of extended solo trips, you may find that you like your big house/yard a lot more. 😉
It does sound like mid-life crisis, and as cliche as it sounds, it exists – purely because we evolve by the age of 40+. We also hope our SO would evolve in the same direction, and at approximately same speed. The “speed” is what I deal with (a.k.a. I am faster in my idea of “I need nothing”). But it is something that is much less overwhelming than different views at all.
I don’t have a solution (who does?). Add on children involved, and ex-spouses, and it gets more complicated than you bargained for. I do know what my dream place to live looks like, where it is, and we both are making steps towards it. Sometimes it is just hard to settle for such a long wait.
But oh, yeah, the decluttering is a great idea, as well as outsourcing some things you despise.
JD, you remind me of Pa Wilder from the Little House books. He wanted to keep moving West because he was such a nomad, but his wife wanted to stay in a town so their daughters could go to school. They compromised – they moved for a number of years, then stopped after about 15 years (I think) of marriage.
Maybe you need to re-visit why you and Kris bought such a huge house in the first place. Was it too good to pass up? Did you have any plans for all that space? For instance, did either of you want a library in one of the spare rooms, or did you want a studio for crafts?
I do not know you personally but I enjoy reading your site and, in reading it, I have picked up specific clues in the things you have written. Seems to me that this is not all about the house but I won’t say any more than that….
Regarding the stuff, spend a little bit of time each day tackling a corner, a closet, Craigslisting bit by bit, filling a trash can or two, etc. I am a hoarder who has abandoned the hoarding mindset but it still takes time to rid oneself of the anchor stuff. After 3 years, I am still paring down my possessions.
Regarding the big house and grounds, I’ve been there and done that. Ownership of such a large place proved restrictive in many more ways than one and for me personally, moving on from it has been for the best. I plan to sell my current home in about 4-5 years time and be a nomad for the ensuing decade. By that time, the spouse and I do not plan to have a fixed abode or any of the stuff that comes along with it. Slowly, slowly, slowly we’ll have progressed (I guess) from massive hoarding to owning only the stuff that will fit in a backpack! Can’t wait.
WOW. When you reach nirvana, don’t forget to write a post about its financial implications!
You’re not growing. You’re just in a rather typical mid-life crisis. Some men buy a porsche. You want to find meaning with a bunch of strangers on the road. Good luck with that.
People over and over have suggested you volunteer some of your time to your community and those in need. Instead you took a paid tour of a slum and posted pictures and videos of poor people (without their permission) for your financial gain. Readers have suggested you find people who are passionate about giving back and help them. Instead you obsess about whether some charity should spend money on a building without doing any research on the issue, asking for learned opinions or offering help in any way. Readers have said over and over that community and charity work provided meaning to their lives and suggested you give it a try. Instead, you’ve spent the last year obsessed with how you look, what you eat and how much you weigh.
And now you claim, you’re evolving while others don’t. Devolving into self obsessiveness seems a little more like it. Not all change is good.
I get it – you’re bored. So find something meaningful to do and do it. Stop going to self help conferences and reading aphorisms. DO SOMETHING.
If you want to sell your home, find one you and your wife can agree on. This is not a huge problem. (And yes, it shouldn’t have taken a psychic to predict that a couple without children probably won’t use or need your rooms on a regular basis. That’s a a big house for just two people.) If you can’t agree on how to live, live with it for her sake or get a divorce and go your separate ways If you want to travel, book a flight or grab your keys and go. But don’t tell me you’re evolving more than the rest of us.
I hate middle class ennui.
JD, as well as purging stuff, have you considered screening for Adult ADHD? A great place to start is “Is IT You, Me or Adult ADD?”
http://adhdrollercoaster.org/about-2/
You have made some great steps in self-treatment – daily exercise, better eating, structuring your day.
“middle class ennui” is a real problem in this country. You don’t have to be such a bitch about it.
What an ignorant misogynistic comment, and wholly inappropriate. Usually such base and distasteful language is not permitted on GRS, this is not an alley or a pool hall. A comment like that does not add any substance to this discussion. It’s telling that JD and/or moderators let this one through. It seems to be a double standard. We are cautioned to treat the authors of “reader stories” with respect and forewarned that unduly nasty comments will be deleted. What is more unduly nasty than calling someone a bitch.
Since when is being candid only the province of men. A lot of male commentators on this blog are crass and overly contentious and no one has accused them of being a “bitch.”
Oh, sorry. She doesn’t have to be such an arrogant snot about it then. Dismissive and know- it- allish too.
Anne was blunt, and a bit harsh, but I’m sorry – I agreed w/everything she said.
JD’s a bit “wrapped-up” in himself (and, let’s admit, self-absorption’s going to happen w/a successful blog that people want to HEAR all about your life).
I hate to pile on JD, but Anne is right. When I read the article about the world domination summit, I couldn’t help but notice the undercurrent of me, me and more me. I agree it is very important to follow your heart and pursue interests that make you happy, but your wife should be one of the biggest sources of your happiness. I am sure you could find a way as a couple and individually to pursue your (and kris’) interests. Maybe in addition to getting rich slowly, you should also try to gain contentment.
I LOVE your blog and look forward to it everyday. I hope everything works out .
Thank you for saying what I was feeling; sometimes it takes harsh words to break through the navel-gazing. In AA there is a term called doing a geographical — the person moves or changes his life circumstances and is surprised to find that he is still as dissatisfied as before. Spend an afternoon at a soup kitchen or visiting patients on a cancer ward and write about that, JD, please. You have a lot going for you, but you risk losing it all. Keeping the house is a no brainer — your wife loves it and you love her and you both can afford it.
Man, a little harsh.
Another Anne
It’s okay. Anne’s not saying anything I haven’t though already. I disagree re: taking action, though. (I feel like I take more action on things than nearly anyone I know!) But I’m well-aware that there’s some serious self-centeredness going on here. I can’t change what I feel, though. I’m not going to subvert me needs and emotions just because other people think they’re wrong. I have to do what’s right for me, yes? And right now, that means a path of self-discovery.
Anne’s comment may seem harsh, but it’s no harsher than the things I’ve already thought. I am my own worst critic! 🙂
” I have to do what’s right for me.”
Did you hear yourself say that?
That’s sometimes the beginning of the end of a relationship.
I’m not going to subvert me needs
But…youre not a me, youre part of a couple. The above phrase speaks volumes. Subverting me needs (or frankly, in your case, wants it sounds like) is part of living in the world. You get to have some of what you want, but not all.
I would love to hear Kris speak on this outside of your hearing.
BTW, You should add a down-vote link to go along with your up-vote link. There are so many wrong comments in this thread and no way to down vote!
Having a “down” vote for commentary would put this illustrious blog on par with You Tube. *frighteningly shudders*
One of the things I absolutely love about GRS is that the commentary is usually quite substantive and very diverse. There is no tyranny of the majority here. Everyone’s contributions should be equally valued. I think having a “down” vote would force the commentary, GRS’s best feature, to devolve.
J.D.,
First, I’ve been reading your blog for at least 3 years and think very highly of you and your accomplishments. Here is how I interpret your recent history and current situation:
You have impulsive and compulsive tendencies. The result, many years ago, was that you found yourself in debt. You thought that you needed comic books, so you bought them. You turned your compulsive tendency to buy stuff into an all out war on debt, a very good thing. Once out of debt, you needed a new avenue to channel your compulsive nature towards and you chose fitness and health, another good thing. Now you are fit and healthy and you are looking for something new.
I fear that your hunger for travel and new adventures, is simply a replacement for comic books and will lead to a similar place; not debt (you are too smart to let that happen again), but some other form of discontentment.
You said it yourself, you (like most people) are poor at predicting what will make you happy. Based on my own experience, I truly believe that the only thing that will bring you long and lasting life satisfaction is the giving of your self. You cannot be content as long as you are looking out primarily for yourself, because your self has an unquenchable desire for life experiences that can never be satisfied. To be content requires self sacrifice, giving to your wife, neighbors, community, and beyond. Once you forget about yourself, and start putting others first, you will find contentment. It is hard to be discontent when you are thinking about others first.
You say you can’t change what you feel. I disagree. Five (or more?) years ago, you felt that you needed more comic books. That was a real feeling, but you were able to look at the feeling objectively and change it. You’re new feelings are no different.
Just my 2 cents.
Well said, Brent.
Right on target, Brent, and said in a non-judgmental way as well.
“I can’t change what I feel”
Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. It is how one acts on those feelings that makes all the difference and, when a person is married, those actions affect two lives.
Sounds to me like a touch of “I’m bored, let’s have a problem” thinking.
Just take a gander at the current divorce rates, and it’s evident that creating a successful and fulfilling marriage with enough elasticity to allow for individual growth/evolution is quite a challenge.
My only advice would be to reciprocate the patience and restraint that Kris did when you were making disastrous money decisions for prolonged lengths of time.
Actually you CAN change how you feel. I’m sure you have over any number of things, so that statement is just silly. And don’t subvert your needs and emotions because other people think they’re wrong, but if you look up from your belly button and decide for yourself that they are wrong. None of us can have the whole story, but the things you are setting out are potentially hurtful to your mate if she subverts HER desires to yours. And as for doing what’s right for you: Absolutely not. You need to do what is right, period. Sometimes that isn’t what is right for you, and unfortunately it is often contrary to what you WANT, which is really what you’re talking about anyway.
Very interesting. I’ll also add that people change how they feel all the time – with work. Like gaining control over any aspect of a life that is out of balance, it takes work. Sometimes our feelings are a great barometer and other times they aren’t. Life isn’t a sitcom or a motivational speech. It’s messy. it’s why studies show we’re bad at predicting what we want. Our feelings mislead us.
People who suffer from anxiety change their feelings. Sure, for some it often takes drugs to help the process along. (Alas, there is no pill to help with middle class ennui.) But the real work is done by the person who chooses to feel differently in the same situations.
Saying you can’t change your feelings is a cop out. You can. You can choose how to feel about your life with a wife who loves her house and gets great joy out of her garden. You absolutely can choose to put her first and ENJOY the process.
I agree with the bluntness. Sometimes it takes well placed words to give a wakeup call. We in the United States are so well off compared to most of the world’s population that they want to come here because even our poor are fat (a sign of wealth in very poor countries). My question would be is JD just feeling wanderlust because maybe most of the people he met at the conference were able to drop things at a moments notice and trek off hither and yon? Perhaps most were single and not as tied down to property or spouse’s job location? Cheer up JD, you could be blogging about counting toilet paper squares and making your own laundry soap. But then, you are into the third stage of your financial independence.
I can’t get past the his and her and ours division of money in a marriage, but I am old school where all goes into and out of the common pot.
There is a theory that being underweight and being overweight are both signs of malnourishment. You eat more and more empty calorie food and your body will crave food until you get the nutrients you need.
I don’t agree at all with the tone of this comment; I think we have to take care of ourselves to care for others and that we should admire J.D. for having the courage to write honestly about his struggles as he tries to learn to do both.
Thank you!
As soon as I read this article I thought ‘mid-life crisis’. We all reach plateaus of experience where we grow tired of our lives, and all JD had done is replace the constant desire for material goods with something equally bad.
‘I remain discontented.’ So? Nobody is ever content! That’s the reason everyone does *everything*.
I so relate to your frustration and overwhelmed feeling of having so much stuff. I have been going thru that this last year. I can’t seem to get rid of things fast enough. I have had to remind myself that it took time to collect and it is going to take time to sell, cull and get rid of. Somehow none of these things interest me anymore. I don’t know why, but I have changed. Why can I go away on vacation and be happy with very little, but have to have ALL THIS STUFF at my casa??? Something is wrong with this picture. So…though I don’t have any true nugget to share with you, maybe you can have consolation that someone else is going through what you are going through…and realize as I have had to do, it will take time to come to the right mix of things for your life now.
I can’t wait to see how this unfolds for you J.D. My husband and I are in much of the same predicament — I would like to travel and not have so much house to take care of, and he likes things the way they are.
And regarding the dreaded *stuff* that fills a house – I’m with you. I would love to empty all of the crap that fills our basement, garage and unoccupied bedroom upstairs. The stuff we’ve accumulated throughout our lives becomes stifling. We’ve stopped allowing new stuff in, but we have the stuff that’s already here to deal with.
I’ve been doing this for five years -it’s part of the long-term goal of moving to a smaller place – and it’s very rewarding, all on its own. Go for it!
There’s a great community of unclutters at unclutterer.com (along with Erin Dolan’s excellent articles) and I know there are other commenters there who read JD’s blog as well.
Hmm..as someone who may not have been reading as long as some others, I’ll agree that some of your posts imply a developing gap between your and your wife’s intersts and goals. Thats not in and of itself terrible..my late husband took long ski trips by himself and I took quilting road trips alone for years. But still.
Also, I agree with others about elminating what you dont like doing. And not just the mowing. If its something that Kris doesnt love as well, even cleaning the house, source it out. And relook at the house and what rooms can be used for a purposed for each use
J.D. –
I guess I’m a little puzzled as to *what* you don’t like about the house. Given that Kris has a job that requires living in one place (ie you can’t be permanent nomads), you have to plunk yourself down somewhere.
It seems to me like you’ve generalized too much about why you’re not happy with the house. I’d really urge you to figure out which thing is bugging you before you take drastic action.
I don’t know if you’ve taken the time to list SPECIFICALLY why you don’t like the house or not – but I’d urge you to do that, and then see if you can address as many of those things as you can without moving.
Here are what I see as your grievances:
– Yard – too much upkeep
– Don’t use all the space in the house
– Too much Stuff in the house
You’ve offered solutions to two of those problems (yardwork and Stuff)… and it seems there are some potential solutions to the 3rd issue. Two potential suggestions:
– Is there an area of the house that you’re not using that you can “wall” off? My sister and her husband did this with the upstairs of their home last winter – put a big piece of insulating material as a “door” to the upstairs, and just lived downstairs.
– Can you use some of the “extra” space in a better way? Can a space be used as a craft room, garden starting room, or office? Can you move your office back into your home if the space is sufficiently separate? Can you take in a renter?
I think I’m missing something in this post. I’m reading that the yard work for this home is too much trouble and travelling to different lands is more your style. Your wife wants to stay as she has a good job but you can work anywhere. So, the answer is to potentially get rid of the house and move. But you’re not sure where or what type of dwelling. I have to agree with Anne above- you’re BORED. If you can pay the bills, travel a bit for a vacation, live in a safe neighborhood, why go someplace else? I’ve lived in homes and apartments and a condo. I’ve lived in bad parts of town and great neighborhoods. We lived where the jobs took us. Right now, the family is split up since DH lost his job and works in another state while I’m caring for the kids. I’m a married person living like a single parent. If only we could all be together and let DH have a job that helps pay the bills. Focus on the right thing to do for everyone in your household. The decision to move or not should not be left up to one person. It should be a unanimous decision.
Well, this post reminds me of my own personality traits.
A few thoughts:
Would it interest you and Kris to use up some of your rooms trying out hosting visiting students, faculty, etc., from other countries? I wonder if you could build a better sense of adventure in your current house while making good use of its space, while also reinvigorating you about your own area as a sort of ambassador for it.
While I doubt you want a second lake HOUSE or anything so invested, what about a fairly minimalist pied a terre in a city you love? (Or, given your shifting ideas of happiness, a rented pied a terre? Or a tiny house on someone else’s property that you two can visit?)
I love pretty stark minimalism . . . in other people’s lives. I always find it appealing and want to jump on board when I read about it. But some things are much more appealing to look at than live. To some extent, it’s okay to just say, You know, I love my Stuff, and I am happy to keep it. Reading things about minimalism can make it feel like that’s not okay when it is.
Last, people like us, with these traits–I think we have to be careful to remember that our sturdy, stable spouses often act as our anchors. It’s easy to undervalue that and to feel like their needs/wants for stability get in the way of the changes we think we (all-caps) NEED, when really they provide us a solid foundation to push off from when we go on our adventures of changing our lives in various ways. So do continue to keep in mind that there may be a few sacred things for Kris that you just have to work around, and the house could be one of them.
I’ve got a pretty strong opinion on this: never buy or build your dream home. My husband and I have four houses. Three of them are rented to tenants and the fourth is our current home. We’ve done things like bathroom and closet renovations and simple landscaping to make the homes more comfortable for us and appealing for other people. Our houses are nice, but they’re not “dream” homes which is how we like it. As a consequence, we have no strong emotional ties to our properties. When it’s time to move on and explore something different, we’ll rent out our current home, too.
JD – How about instead of a tiny house for yourself – you can build a small caretakers cottage? There are folks who love tending plants and you could get a great caretaker garden partner. Plus if it doesn’t offset the cost completely you would have a small stream of income, and who doesn’t love additional diversified streams of income 🙂
Since you don’t need the income you can take your time and be very picky about the occupant. It sounds like you have a unique and desireable space that would attract folks who want a foot in both the rural and suburban worlds. It could be converted to a workspace or guesthouse if it doesn’t work out.
I empathize with the “gap”. I would love to have a smaller house and yard, but my husband would like them bigger. I don’t mind staying home and traveling locally, he wants to see the world. I could purge everything, and he has boxes and boxes of “keepsakes.”
Fortunately neither of us feels so strongly about it that we’re not happy with the middle ground. Sure it could be better, but it could be worse so I’ll take it as it is.
Yikes. I see a lot of “I, I, I” in the article, then Kris is mentioned in a few sentences. I have to get this off my chest: this does not look good for you two, especially if one of your solutions is “Solo Travel”. Ie: even though you’re doing everything YOU want, you’re still doing the mid-life Crisis thing. Then, part of the solution is to move bit-by-bit, then sell the rest? What woman/spouse wants to live like THAT??
Moving for 6 months straight sounds like HELL. If you don’t like doing housework (and who does, really?), that’s going to be a terrible solution. Moving should be like ripping off a band-aid- do it fast and get it over with.
I didn’t read all the replies, so not sure if someone already suggested this… u guys could consider renting-out you’re current home & try renting smthing else for your selves. I don’t know if that’s an option in this market. That way you don’t lose your current place & aren’t tied to smthing new. Allowing u 2 change ur mind. Some days I feel the same way & my husband is my ‘Kris’ in the situation. It’s not my husband’s or Kris’s problem/ fault/ issue that they don’t feel/ change the exact same way. You must definitely consider ur spouse’s feelings when making such a big decision & I’m glad 2 hear it sounds like u r. Marriage is a partnership. It’s kind-of crappy 4 anyone 2 suggest that she should b changing the exact same way… does anyone know 2 people who constantly grow/ change/ evolve the same way? ur not clones of each other, lol. Good luck!
Your Fantasy vs. Reality link is busted. 🙂
Dude, you don’t need to move, you just need SERVANTS. What is money for in America if not to hire a small army of illegal immigrants to take care of your house, pets, etc?
Also– I smell the advancing front of a mid-life crisis. “Pls refudiate” (ha). No, seriously, watch out for major blunders in the horizon. Forewarned is forearmed.
Ditto.
JD, slow down!!
I have to agree with several comments, I don’t think this is really about the house itself. It seems to be about being tied down at all right now. You have gotten the travel bug and now any time not “exploring” the world seems dull. Existential crisis sounds like a good way to describe it.
I really enjoyed renting. Staying in 1100 sq. ft. meant that I had to keep only the essentials, and we tried houses, condos, town homes, new buildings, old buildings, mobile homes, and we did all that in just 5 years or so. All that moving meant we needed to keep the stuff to a minimum, which I loved, and DW disliked. But when we went to buy a home we knew what we wanted and where we wanted it. It may be a financial loss to sell a house now, and buy another house in 5 years. And convincing Kris is also tough, I suppose.
RVs and mobile home depreciate rapidly, but they might be an interesting solution for you. My grandparents took me and my sister on vacations in the summer in their RV, and we were all very content with the living arrangements. You might try that out.
We’ve had the luxury of 6 mos since January when my husband took an ‘early retirement’ offer from his big company and before we move to systematically go thru garage, bookshelves, hobby stuff, etc and get RID RID RID of so much stuff.
It’s not easy or quick, so don’t expect it to be. For one thing, we’ve sold/donated over 1,000 books – I wanted them to go to good homes so that took time to figure out.
He’s changing careers after 25 yrs in IT, our last son graduated high school, and my business is mobile, like yours. It’s time for a lot of changes, which is exciting & a little unsettling at the same time, so I can relate to some of what you’re saying about exploring new options.
We’re now selling our McMansion where we raised 3 kids (now all off to college) and probably never should have bought it – but like you say, 8 yrs ago we were different people. What makes me sick is people who walk into this very pretty 4400 SF house and sniff that it doesn’t have this or that upgrade, cherry cabinets, marble bathrooms etc. Oh my gosh, get me outta here!
We bought a modest condo on a small rural island off the coast of WA with no yard work but a big deck with gorgeous view, right in a small village where we can walk to all necessities, and there’s a wonderful community garden 2 blocks away so I can still play in the dirt & grow food. There’s something so attractive to me about islands. My dh wants to get back into flying, so he’ll get that chance. Some of the house proceeds will go to that new priority.
We never before now had any paid help with the yard or housecleaning, but are doing both while the house is on the market. It really is worth it, JD. You have a lot of grass there. Just getting help with that, and systematically getting rid of the Stuff that’s burdening you, while allowing for Kris’s attachment to the house sounds like a great place to start.
On the travel, I’d encourage you to also find places you’d BOTH like to visit, to make memories together rather than letting travel always be something that divides you.
“What makes me sick is people who walk into this very pretty 4400 SF house and sniff that it doesn’t have this or that upgrade, cherry cabinets, marble bathrooms etc. Oh my gosh, get me outta here!”
You could alleviate your illness by offering a buyer’s credit for those upgrades, or lower the price by $50k. It works both ways, right?
Hiring a gardener sounds like a great idea. Don’t feel bad about doing it, you can afford it and it will make your life better so why not?
Because you don’t know what kind of place you’d like to live have you thought about maybe house sitting? It would be a way to explore different sized homes and locations.
Or maybe do short term rentals in different types of cities or town sizes to see if that’s what you like.
I moved recently and ended up in a small town, it wasn’t my first choice but it works. Turns out – I really like it. I thought this would be temporary until I could move to a city but now that I’m here I’m liking the idea of small towns or more rural setting to live in.
I appreciate the honesty of this post a lot, JD, and look forward to following your developing solution. Like others have said, I can relate. A mortgage and law school student loans means my change has to be well planned out, and I’ve been doing that steadily over at least the last year or so, but WDS has made me want to shorten up the time frame too! 🙂
I’ll echo the other posters who said that the house isn’t the problem, nor is the yardwork. You just sound bored. A new house or apartment isn’t going to fix that for more than a few months.
Before you make any decisions, spend three months following the WSJ’s daily “House of the Day” feature (on their Real Estate section). The magnificent houses don’t matter–read the stories among the captions. The majority of the sellers are bored, just like you, except they have a lot more money. They build their “dream houses,” live there for two years or so, and then, by their own admission, they’re “ready to move on to the next project.” Many times, the impetus comes from the bored spouse of a financially successful workaholic. Sometimes the people act as though they’re somehow arm-chair designers or decorators, but, in reality, they’re just spending money because it’s there and there’s nothing else to do.
Honestly, your solo travel dreams are kind of the same thing. You just happen to think that travel is somehow less materialistic than McMansions.
Annie, up above, was harsh, but she’s correct. I don’t agree with attacking your Africa trip, but I do agree that you need to find some other pursuit, either business or volunteering, that gives some meaning to your life.
The yardwork hate and your proposed solution surprised me for a couple of reasons. First, your gardening posts are the ones I always skip (I prefer to buy my vegetables from the grocery store), so forgive me if I’m missing something here, but I would presume that someone who’s really into gardening would not have such angst about trimming a few shrubs from time to time. I have no interest in gardening, but I keep up the yard myself. For the inside, we have a housekeeper.
Second, I can’t believe nobody’s jumped on you (yet) for the lifestyle inflation aspect of this, but, I don’t know, it kind of strikes me as a little bit of “woe is me.” You wake up, go to the gym, have breakfast, walk to your office, etc. You’ve got no kids to worry about, no aging relatives who require your care, a housekeeper for all the indoor stuff. You really need someone to do the yardwork too? You’re bored as it is; you need more things to distract your navel gazing, not fewer.
My first reaction to this was “J.D., You need to have your mind examined.” After reading the post, I my thought was “J.D., hang in there and let the phase pass.”
As an alternative to dumping, I would like to offer you the idea of ‘using the house differently’. Most obviously, if you used it as a B&B, you could perhaphs make the house upkeep self-sustaining. Or you could house a charity’s offices. Or, or, or.
I think it would perhaps be more appropriate to think of “redefining your relationship” with the house than of just getting a smaller place.
I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I’m about to quote Hemingway. He wrote in The Sun Also Rises, “You can’t get away from yourself by moving from one place to another.” I know many people feel that a change of scenery (so to speak) helps them to find MORE of themselves, but soon the old parts of yourself catch right back up to you too, no matter how far away you go. This has been a tough life lesson for me.
My very first thought when I began to read your post was “Uh oh, what does Kris think about all of this?” It wasn’t hard to predict the big reveal that she feels differently than you. But while you write “I’ve changed; she hasn’t,” I wouldn’t be so sure. Perhaps she’s the kind of person who ‘finds’ herself right where she is. 🙂
Best of luck to both of you–I will be waiting eagerly to find out how you manage to navigate this time of your life.
J.D.’s note: Easily the most perceptive comment so far. Most of the comments are great, but Angela has pretty much pegged where Kris and I are at. 🙂
Love this quote!!! I too must remind myself of this. No matter where I go I will still be there. Sometimes I think people dream of a different life (traveling more, being adventurous) because they are just tired of who they are. Easier for me to hear from a stranger than myself. Thanks Angela!!
What’s wrong with quoting a fantastic writer?
Very few people like doing yard work, but the results are what count. I mow for 4 hours every week, and spend innumerable hours in my veggie garden and with my apple trees and I generally dislike all of it, but having a big yard to play with my kids in and enjoying fresh produce makes it all worth-while. Do you hate everything about the house, or just the maintenance?
A straighforward correlation can be made with your departure from regular book keeping towards a more automated, simple method that did not work for you: it didn’t work. You went back to the “tried and true” method after a while and seem happier and better off for it. Maybe you’re going through a period where you’re so in love with travel that the house represents the antithesis of travel to you. In two years when you’ve explored the majority of the landmasses will you long for a simple Sunday afternoon spent with the berry bushes?
I’ve never posted on this blog before, but you’ve really helped me (and a lot of others) out. For this one post I feel the need to lend an outside perspective because it’s often hardest to look at ourselves objectively, as you alluded to. Good luck with whatever decision you come to.
What a difficult place to be in life!
I joke that *I* was my husband’s mid-life crisis; he was 42 and I was 27 when we met. I’m fast approaching 40, while he’s turning 55, and are we at different points in life? Sure.
Last year, we built our “dream home”. This year, I had an opportunity to compete for a position half way across the country. His response? It’s just a house, we’ll sell it. THAT is the kind of unconditional support we provide each other.
As for outsourcing the work – just do it! I *hate* housework, and after years of being unhappy with either doing it, or it not getting done, I finally accepted that I’m better off paying to have it done.
I hope you figure out what it is you really want, JD, and that you and Kris continue to support each other’s dreams and ambitions.
Another Kris
“where ever you go, there you are.” Buckaroo Banzai
Interesting, the full quote may be even more applicable for JD and commenters alike:
“hey-now. Don’t be mean, we don’t have to be mean, ‘cus, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.”
I think the original is from Thomas a Kempis way back in the 1400’s:
Wherever you go, you are burdened with yourself.
Wherever you go, there you are.
oooh, thank you, I am always looking for older versions of this quote/idea.
It doesn’t seem likely to be an original modern observation, I will have to look into Thomas Kempis.
Thanks.
Maybe you could rent a houseboat or sailboat in Portland to live aboard (even if you don’t sail, just to live aboard in a marina)? That would be a lifestyle adventure and Kris can hang out with you if it’s fun for her too. After a few months of living small you will know more about what you would like in the future. Help narrow the goal without giving up the house for now?
Or buy an airstream trailer (land boat!) and live on your current property?
The other thought is maybe you could subdivide the lot and custom build a smaller place. If Kris could customize a whole place to her liking even if it was smaller she might choose it over the current house. Own both places for a while and then decide which one to keep. Profit from the one you sell or rent it out or MIL moves in?!
I feel your pain, JD. I’m a “changer” as well. Part of me loves our home, but the other part knows what a burden it is financially. We have 2 kids, so the father in me wants to give them a good home, but part of me wants to try something different – smaller home, travel for awhile (like the Bakers), etc. Like you, my wife is completely happy there and doesn’t share any of my thoughts. So I keep on.
I can say though, the only lesson I’ve learned so far is to keep talking about it. Don’t let it fester inside where it could eventually boil over. Just talking about it with my wife sometimes helps, even if short-term.
“I think it would perhaps be more appropriate to think of “redefining your relationship” with the house than of just getting a smaller place.”
I really like this idea. For those who get frustrated or feel trapped in their current situation, but don’t have the means or opportunity to make a major change, this could make a huge difference.
The problem is that you’ve lived life backwards! Instead of sowing your oats while you were young, you bought the farm and settled down. Now, you want to explore the world and are tied to one spot. I can’t wait to hear what you decide to do 🙂
I hate the term “mid-life crisis”. Why does wanting a lifestyle change constitute a crisis? You always hear people say that change is good, and I agree, but some of the responses here are generally, ‘you have a PROBLEM, J.D., wanting to change your life is a PROBLEM. You should just deal with what you have now, and your desire for change will pass.’ The only problem I see here is that you and your wife are not on the same page. I guess I’m lucky that my husband rolls with whatever crazy shit I throw out there. I’m so glad he wants to come along for the ride because I love his company. You’ve only got one life, and mowing a lawn may be the way some folks want to spend it, but again, everyone’s got their own idea of fun.
It’s a problem when you’re dissatisfied with yourself, but don’t realize it, and blame other things (your wife, your car, your house) that symbolize what you dislike about yourself, and waste time and money or hurt others trying to change those things instead of coming to terms with your inner issues.
I’m not saying that’s what’s happening but that’s why a “midlife crisis” is problematic.
Sara is exactly correct. The house is a symptom. Going to a world domination summit is a symptom.
Note: Those that really change and dominate the world don’t go to a summit
Your comments about wanting to move away from your stuff for 6 months to find what you really need make me think this is more of a “frustrated with stuff” moment than anything. I can relate as I’m slowly overcoming my pack-ratness. I think you might be much more happy with your house if you had minimal stuff. Since you’re looking into spending $ on yardwork I’d encourage you to look into spending some $ on a professional organizer. You’ve tried for some time now to get rid of things and had some success but it sounds like the amount you still have is a burden to you. Admit that you need some help in this area and do it. I be with a more empty house it won’t seem like a burden anymore.
It’s got to be so interesting to go through all this evolution! I look forward to reading more about this process.
It seems to me that you’re making a good start by identifying what exactly it is about your home that you no longer want: labor and Stuff. Outsourcing the work is a great first step; purging your Stuff is a massive undertaking that will probably take you years – but is absolutely critical to any future steps anyway!
You may find yourself perfectly happy with your current house once you get rid of the things that are bugging you. If not, at least you’ll have made some great strides toward being able to move if you both decide that is the next thing.
I agree with the others who said a six-month move sounds like living hell. Moving = existential crisis for me, every time. Dragging it out would be terrible!
This sounds like the real estate version of the seven year itch some people get in marriage which made me smile. I think gentle baby steps to help feel out your changes is wise.
I think it’s fine to change wherever you are over time. I think it’s *healthy* to do that, to re-assess or evaluate if what is going on is working for you. I did, recently, by paring down what I chose in the way of personal possessions and making a commitment to buy only what I need that is of good quality. I also decided not to get a larger house, even though we kinda could use one. In the end, our only child is going to only be living at home 4-5 years more. At that point, when she goes to college and moves out, there will be plenty of room for my husband and me to do what we want, if we want. I can’t see us getting a bigger place now, though, not now. Or a bigger car. In fact, we’ll probably end up with one of those sub-compact cars that get great gas mileage, too. lol
I disagree with the all the comments that JD is being selfish and not thinking about his wife, etc.
I think this is a case of boredom and JD looking for the next challenge. GRS has been successful and allowed him a certain way of life, so now it’s time to look for another mountain to climb. I’ve been in similar situations where I reach a goal that I’ve worked very hard to achieve, but then feel miserable until I sort out what my next pursuit will be.
And believe it or not, this probably has very little to do with his relationship with his wife. There’s nothing wrong with taking care of yourself in a relationship, so long as you keep the big picture in mind and keep your partners needs a priority as well. His wife doesn’t want to hang out with a “sad” JD, so it goes both ways: taking care of himself also takes care of his marriage.
So, don’t go jumping to conclusions that all hope is lost for good ol’ JD!
I think the post read as a bit condescending re: Kris, and maybe that is what people are reacting to.
“Here I am, constant evolver, and there she is, the same as always. Sigh.”
I don’t think that was the intent, but just reading sentence #1 started framing it that way.
And I suspect that WDS was an echo chamber about the “right way” to live, even if it is not right for everyone.
I agree. Parts of this article actually made me wince, like him coming home and announcing “I don’t want to live here anymore” probably right after Kris came into the house after individually hand picking insects off the beautiful garden they have jointly spent hours of sweat and devotion on…
What exactly is he rejecting? There seems to be reasonable answers to the time drain of the lawn and the possessions issue. I just hope he doesn’t lump some parts of his life into “obstacle” (people, possesions, or activities) that actually helped him become the person he is, now willing to ditch in a never ending quest towards maximal self-actualization. The ruthless culling works pretty well if one is as one says a childless widow. Not so well if there are interdependent relationships involved.
WDS?
“World Domination Summit”
I don’t have time to go through all the comments, so if I repeat someone, sorry. If you have all these extra rooms, what about renting out a room to someone to bring in some extra cash for a bit? Maybe that person could mow the lawn for partial rent, and it would give you back some comic book money. A lot depends on the layout of the house, I’m sure. Just a thought. Good luck!
J.D. I am not sure how I came upon your blog,however, I don1t think it is an accident. I hear the pain of strugle in your voice. I don`t think it is with the house. Have you seen Sarah Fergason`s life journey on OWN? She says ” I had it all and blew it”. When we become restless in our soul, it is tempting to look outside yourself in an attempt to find a solution to fix the problem. It goes much deeper. Every humanbeing wants to be loved, accepted, and feel that they are heard. To be valadated and loved is a gift. I think that it would be easy to make the wrong choice in an attempt to have that. I ask you to look at whats really going on inside and examine that. I am concerned for your marriage. I know the pain of not being honest with yourself. Blessings on your journey. I am here if you want to explore it a bit more.
Care
How do you find out “what’s really going on inside”?
find a professional
This reads a bit like wanting to “keep up with the Jones’s”, just that the Jones’s in this case buy experiences rather than stuff. I don’t know JD personally, so I have no idea if that is true or not – just going by what I read here. But when I read “…I want jump out of airplanes and swim with the sharks, trek over mountains and get lost in the jungle…” I hear “…I want a 4 bedroom McMansion and an ATV and 60″ HDTV…”
Its not the things/experiences themselves that are bad, its the discontentment with a great life that seems to pour out here that is a bad thing. Have you read Stumbling on Happiness? The author *does* cite two things that consistently bring people happiness – marriage and religion (of any kind). So, harsh as Anne is above, it isn’t out of the realm of possibility that devoting yourself to altruistic pursuits would make you happier than a new house or vacation ever would. I know it doesn’t *seem* like it will make you happy – but I know you’re aware that we are notoriously bad at predicting what will make us happy.
This was my thought as well. How is collecting experiences to keep up with the “life design” Joneses any different than collecting stuff to keep up with the conventional Joneses? Personally, I don’t get this obsession over collecting experiences. Too many times, I get the sense that people are simply checking off items a list. It’s easy to be swayed by the company you keep, and just because they call themselves “non-conformists” doesn’t mean that their values are inherently better than so-called drones. Have you really changed that much, or are you simply replacing your desire for stuff with something else?
I completely agree. The whole ‘lifestyle design’ movement really bothers me. It is like you said just as bad as its inverse (thoughtless consumerism).
What it really shows is just how spoilt we all are. We strive to have all this stuff and then suddenly we want nothing to do with it and all we want to do is travel around the world funded through blogs about blogging and whatnot. It’s very whiny and ungrateful to me. You know what I would really like to see? Someone who is happy with what they have, neither trying to accumulate more nor purge themselves meaninglessly.
I feel that the ultimate goal should be a balance between ‘lifestyle design’ and ‘thoughtless consumerism’.
I completely agree with this thread, and thank you for putting to words what I’ve been feeling ever since JD returned from the WDS. This is just another “keeping up with the Joneses.”
However, I don’t think the solution is to find that balance you mention. I think the solution is to not focus on finding a balance, and instead focus on doing the things that truly make a person happy – participating in a community, spending time with people we love, and helping others.
Now if only I could adopt this advice myself!
Exactly! I think JD has really been touched by the World Domination participants. I have a real disagreement with the World Dominators and the Art of Non-Conformists in that they really want to be “different” from the typical mediocre middle-class American. Except that wanting to be different from everyone is functionally equivalent to wanting to be the same as everyone: you’re letting other people determine your life.
Agree with this. In JD’s case the “Jones” could be Chris Guillebeau. Think about it – solo traveler, lives in an apartment in the city, it fits.
But the thing about the keeping up with the Jones’ is that we rarely, if ever, admit that this is what we’re doing. We all think we’re immune to such influences.
I readily admit when I’m being influenced by other people, even if it’s only to myself. It’s the only way I know to ensure that whatever decisions I make are truly my own. I’m not stupid enough to think I’m immune. Admitting my weaknesses in this area ensures that I address them head-on when I’m making a decision.
In addition to the mid-life crisis, you’re also having a mid-income crisis! You started with the housekeeper, so it makes perfect sense to get a gardener. When my parents got both, it freed up so much time and drudgery. Even though it costs money, it makes you happier.
I don’t think you need a tiny house though. You’ve already got unused rooms. Why add another house to the property?
the tiny house idea seems unsightly
Honestly, it does sound like a mid-life crisis. I don’t say that as a slight, or dismissively, but it sounds like this is existential and your house is symbolic.
For the past few years getting out of debt and becoming “rich” has been your driving force. Now that you’re there, you’re finding that your life lacks purpose. Not being religous myself, I also have to work to live a purposeful life or I get very restless. I think you’re in a very dangerous position though where you are seeking a more radical life to give you the thrills you’ve gotten used to, at the potential expense of a very important relationship.
You are trying to reinvent yourself and the house is a symbol of parts of yourself that you don’t like. Part of being emotionally mature is being able to integrate the different parts of your personality and deal with some cognitive dissonance. I feel bad for Kris if you don’t get it sorted out soon.
Hiring out the tasks that you don’t like makes a lot of sense, because it can help you tease out whether it’s specific things you dislike or just that you don’t want to be the type of person that owns your house.
Seems like exploration for personal reinvention on some levels…which is completely normal and not selfish, despite anyone else’s protestations. We do change in life, and occasionally an element of our life structure – be it career, home, etc – needs corresponding change as well. All part of a mid-life crisis…I get that much:)
Your approach of buying time seems to be a good way to handle this versus making quick, rash decisions.
I think I’m *feeling* some of what you are saying. Obviously this has been coming on, as you said you have been hinting at your discontent for a little while. But how long has it been since you put it into words? It’s amazing how different an idea is once it leaves the echo chamber of your own mind.
I think part of what is rubbing some readers the wrong way is the extreme wording of your plans. People change, but I think lifestyle drift into new versions of you is much healthier than drastic change, much like losing weight slowly is more healthy than crash dieting. And it will definitely be easier on your relationship if only because Kris can follow the process rather than being confronted with a brand new JD. Plan on taking one solo trip rather than “I’m going to head out on a series of personal adventures”. You have already said that you aren’t in a position to move when you consider your stuff, so why did you wave that flag in front of Kris already rather than just tackling the current situation? Maybe you are changing and maturing, but I find it suspect that it’s both fast and extreme. Most true maturity is a process. If it truely happens this quickly you need to tread carefully to allow for growing pains.
And it could be the 2D nature of a blog post, but I am hearing that you want to make some drastic changes to your lifestyle without hearing the commitment to the relationship built around your current lifestyle. How many breakups are based on “We grew apart”? You are talking some major lifestyle changes. If you let your enthusiasm overcome prudence then be aware that it may involve sacrifice. Some people are okay with two or three long term relationships over their lives based on who they are at the time. Others are committed to maturing with their mate, but that involves some sacrifice of self.
I get your excitement over your new direction. But, just like with money, get rich/happy quick schemes rarely work and often leave you with less of value than you started with. Make sure it’s a true investment that is worth the opportunity costs.
I think all couples go through phases where one person wants a change and the other person doesn’t. How you get through this period will determine the next stage of your relationship. While I can understand how some people are worried that you’re growing apart, many of us are probably jealous that you are able to travel or pursue other interests by yourself. My kids are 3 and 5 years away from college, and my husband and I are longing for the freedom that will bring, even with the extra bills. But just when we reach that stage, our parents are likely to need our help. And let me say that taking care of parents is the worst! I love them but it’s like having toddlers and teenagers; they act like toddlers, but like teenagers, they are impulsive and can drive.
Good luck to you and Kris as you work through the little changes to decide what your future plans will be. Also keep in mind that you already have more flexibility and opportunities than most other people, and that is priceless!
JD, I think it took a lot of guts to post your feelings so openly.
I had some of the same gut reactions as some of the other readers worrying for you and Kris and hoping your relationship can withstand this self proclaimed selfish phase you’re going through.
Here’s my been there done that 2 cents:
I love to travel and have many nomadic friends with wanderlust. I have filled passports and had to get extra pages added. I’ve been to dozens of countries and know people all over the world and at a moment’s notice can still invite myself over people’s homes in at least 15 countries.
After a while you realize that being in limbo and living out of a suitcase for months on end is not fun either. There is a balance you need to reach between living with a sense of normalcy and adventure. Those interesting people you meet on the road aren’t really that much more interesting than you or me. They are the idealized versions of themselves that they project and we willingly believe in. In the end, what’s most important is the people that love us and are there through thick and thin. Eventually new cities will all start looking the same and you will yearn for a place to call home again. People need that sense of community and you just can’t get that living a transient lifestyle.
This is an insightful comment.
I completely agree. People tend to romanticize life on the road and living out of a suitcase. It can be fun but eventually, everyone goes home. Everyone.
The people in your life are way more important than seeing yet ANOTHER cathedral, or castle, or mountain, etc. Unfortunately, many don’t realize this until they’ve lost everyone. The majority of people in this world don’t ever see the majority of the world and yet they can be happy.
There’s a difference between ‘seeing the world’ and checking out from YOUR world.
Yes, yes, yes.
I’ve been all over the damn place and now all I want to do is get back home to be close to my family. One extreme is no better than the other. I think (I *pray*) that small, yearly vacations will be enough for me from now on.
I think I’ve finally learned the lesson that you can be happy anywhere. I’m happy where I am – but I want to be happy and also be available to support the people I love. And to benefit from their support, too.
I’ve also, ironically, started to see the benefits of putting down roots – I’m in exactly the opposite situation as JD. I am longing for all of the good aspects of what he is ready to move away from. That’s part of why this post hit me so hard!!
Imelda, we had a “leave the country once a year” rule which worked very well. I also had jobs where I traveled globally for work. That’s the best way to see the world, on someone else’s dime. Believe it or not, jobs that require lots of travel aren’t that desirable for people with families so that scares many applicants away (unless you want to escape your home life).
We deliberately went to the 3rd world and most remote places first. Now that we have small kids we have changed the rule a bit to “go to one new place a year”. I’ll admit that I’m starting to itch to go overseas again, but luckily there are still many places for us to explore in the US and canada.
I have more wanderlust than my husband. I packed our 9 month old and took him to Poland with my mom, but we haven’t gone anywhere far since. The trip was rough and no vacation spot is worth 2 days of misery to him, so that’s our compromise.
Thanks to everyone who left a comment today. I appreciate your thoughts and concerns — even when you think I’m being childish or selfish.
I’m not going to do anything rash. I’ve been thinking about this stuff for years. It’s just reached a crisis lately, and I need to do something to address it. I’m not discounting Kris’ concerns or leaving her out of the equation. In fact, it’s because of Kris that I’m not doing anything rash.
Anyhow — I debated whether to share this piece at all because I knew it would stir a strong reaction, and because I knew much of it would be negative. But I do my best to be honest around here. I’m not perfect, but I do try to do the right thing. Remember, though, that my definition of what is right might be different from your definition of the same.
I feel like this post and conversation are mopey and depressing, yet that’s not how I feel. I’m actually excited about what life has in store for me. I’m eager to go new places and try new things. I have confidence that things will work out fine. But there may be some rocky patches along the way.
I think what many of us are responding to is the words you used to describe how you are feeling, what you are saying to yourself and others and where [you think] you are going.
Maybe you could step back and see that your tone and your words were not excited or exploratory. The tone was arrogant, self-centered, narcissistic and (this was a huge red flag to me, as well as a first time I have ever felt this way reading your work) almost contemptuous.
If that wasn’t how you wanted to portray this post, then I believe that part of the issue is your strength as a writer. And maybe that is something that you need to go back to working on. Words and word choice have a lot of power and when talking about big changes, those choices have even more power than usual. That seems to not have been acknowledged by you when writing or reviewing this post.
Nonsense.
I think many of us were responding to exactly what he’s saying here – that he’s being rash, that he’s not valuing Kris enough, and that this is about a personal “crisis” rather than the house or lifestyle.
I didn’t find the post arrogant at all. Misguided, yes. Granted the line about “I constantly evolve while everyone else stays the same” WAS pretty astonishing. But other than that, the tone was totally inoffensive.
Just, as I said, perhaps misguided.
JD,
I know exactly how you feel. I do believe you have evolved and changed. You have learned a lot of lessons and now your “old” life and home don’t feel comfortable on your “new” skin.
Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in the beginning of Eat,Pray,Love how she agonized over realizing that she wanted a life change. She recognized that she had contributed to creating the life that she then wanted to leave.
And why does this have to be a mid-life crisis? I think sometimes it just takes getting to this age to figure out what you want or…what you don’t want anymore.
Could you want even more change than just a house? Maybe you want to change something even bigger than that, like GRS?
Sometimes leaving IS finding yourself and only you know what your heart really needs.
I wish both you and Kris luck. 🙂
Kel
Ah – the life of an A-list blogger is not a pleasant one – you just want to stay home like Trent w/TSD? There’s criticism. You want to have adventures like JD? There’s criticism. You can’t win. 😉
I’m taking off this summer myself in the RV with the kid, the dog (maybe the cat) for 2 months out in the middle of nowhere. Next year, if the house sells, it will be for 6 months. I’d hoped it would be this year, but the real estate market dictates otherwise. http://singlemomrichmom.com/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go/
One thing to remember is that *most* people, when making a decision to leave a job, leave a spouse, leave whatever – have this tendency to make where they are or what they have *bad* in some way. But decisions don’t really need to be made that way. So you have extra space? So what? I have a 5 bedroom house and there’s 3 of us. So 2 bedrooms are closed and I don’t really care. I have three living rooms – we use one. Big whoopdee. There’s no minimalist police out there.
Some practical thoughts – take the $2000/year or so that you think would be required to upkeep your lawn and shrubs and *invest* it into something that doesn’t need work – forever:
– grass – what about the new eco-grasses – they hardly have to be mowed and they’re gorgeous.
– shrubs – why even have shrubs that need to be trimmed? ie. lilac bushes.
– jobs – I realize Kris loves her job, but what about a six month or one year sabbatical for her so you can go somewhere together? People do this stuff all the time. You could house swap with someone and it wouldn’t cost you a dime. Besides, when you did your Europe trip, you ended up sick from being constantly on the go – wouldn’t it be better to actually *live* somewhere different for awhile and really experience a culture?
I’ve traveled an awful lot in my life, just as many here have. The older I get, the more I appreciate the subtle nuances that are there to be found in just going to a different region of a country. And to have some of my *crap* with me in an RV… 😉
It’s a confusing headspace to be in when you realize you have so many options open to you. That’s why financial independence has been the toughest stage for me. All of a sudden a world of opportunities are open and it’s just darn hard to pick what you want to do and how you want to live. What do you do when you can do (almost) anything?
A timeless and excellent book re. happiness is Bertrand Russell’s “The Conquest of Happiness”.
Wow Jacq,
As usual, very insightful. I was actually dreaming about house shopping as a result of this post, so I had to go back and read the new threads. It was thought provoking indeed as I’m going through a similar thing myself.
Early in my career I was struggling with “what do I want to be when I grow up”. A very smart friend of mine said, it’s the smartest people who have the toughest time picking their career paths because there are so many to choose from. I think financial freedom is just like that. Suddenly your life gets complicated again because your options are limitless. You’re not stuck paying off debt anymore but now you feel like you must figure out what’s next now that you’ve gotten to that place.
JD, I don’t know whether you’ve ever been in therapy, but I really can’t say enough about it. Having a professional sort help you sort through what your are feeling can really change the way you view things. I was depressed after returning from a deployment, but didn’t recognize it as depression, I just saw it as dissatisfaction with my relationship. If I hadn’t gone to therapy I’m sure I would have destroyed my relationship and then been left wondering why I was no happier than before.
I cannot stand talking about my feelings with strangers, so therapy was really sort of miserable and uncomfortable for me. But ultimately it changed my life for the better. I feel like a few people in the comments are tapping around saying it outright, but THERAPY IS AWESOME. If you aren’t already going, try it out!
I don’t think it was a depressing post at all. It is a normal part of life. More so when people have less outside burden aka debt. With less financial worry and more time the world is yours to dream of, explore and discover. Some of the comments are negative, but that’s life. (Just be thankful the majority of your comments are not from Trent at the Simple Dollar, many of comments on his post are just mean!) I read through most of the comments and feel many people have gone through the same thing you are. I know I am, even at 28! Plus your post opened a great discussion between your readers. And I discussed these same issues with my husband today…so my flood gates are open. I love how you write and enjoy a more personal touch!
JD.
Whether you keep the house or not isn’t really the main point.
What I am gathering from your posts lately is a sense of the “now what”
This is pretty common when goals are reached. For so long we strive for the destination, and we minimize the importance of the journey.
Then when the destination is reached, and all the goals are met, the debts are paid, the Mini is owned, the writing is full time, then comes the surprise.
The surprise is it isn’t quite like you thought it would be. While being debt free is great, getting out of debt, and the progress and sense of accomplishment is more exciting.
desiring the Mini is consuming. Owning it is enjoyable but less consuming.
I think this would be a great direction for a few posts. The reality for many people that once their financial goals are met, many times the after effects are different than imagined.
I like Angela’s quote from Hemmingway that wherever you are is where you find yourself.
I sense some escapeism. That is not the answer. Travel is fine. Escaping from yourself however rarely works.
I think you just need more cats. 😉
An alternate title to your post could very well be “Searching for Meaning.” Instead of identifying the size of your residence and its attendant upkeep as the crux of your problem you may want to think of that and the desire to travel as being the surface symptoms of some other angst. You do seem to be associating your feelings on some level with what’s often referred to as a mid-life crisis. I agree with others who recommend that you become involved in community work in service of others. You’ve mentioned not wanting to just give money to a cause- now’s your chance to use some of that wanderlust to get involved in some meaningful projects in the world. How fortunate you are to have come to a point where this is the sort of problem you find your self with. I see this as a wonderful opportunity for you! Good luck!
That’s big news JD. I like that your wife is amenable to you doing solo travel. Not my wife.
And your house. We also have a beautiful house that I really could care less. It just doesn’t mean anything to me. In fact, right before homes took a dive, I told my wife, let’s sell, and she said no, this is my home. We would have made $400K more if we sold then compared to now. I’d still like to sell, it’s only going to go down farther in price.
I like the idea of solo travel. A blog I used to follow was by a perpetual traveller. He got married, had a kid, and is no longer following his dream. It seems to me, that it would be nice to have someone around to share in your experience, but then again, being by yourself, you really call the shots.
There are SO many solutions offered here for your discontent.
I like the idea of opening your house to foreign students / faculty.
And what about renting out your house for a year (if Kris is game) AFTER you declutter, of course.
Paying for somebody to help in the garden is a no-brainer. You can afford it, and since I have hoof-in-mouth disease, it’s the least you can do in the face of what you have posted.
I would like to move closer to my son’s school. I don’t want to sell though (at least not yet). I’d like to rent our house out, and rent a smaller place near his school when he goes to HS in two years. (He goes to an international school that is a significant commute, I would have liked to spare him that commute for two or three years.) Part of why I want to do that is to see whether I am ready to give up my “dream home” as my kids fly the nest.
But we can’t, because unlike you, my DH refuses to get rid of his sacred Stuff. Or his late mom’s Stuff, or his late dad’s Stuff. Happily it’s all contained within half our basement “storage room” (I’m pretty ruthless LOL.) But we could never rent the house with all that Stuff. I’m even considering renting storage space, for the first time in my life, because I consider that such a waste of money except in specific circumstances. But perhaps paying for storage is the price of compromise, and maintaining our relationship of 19 years?
I just hope you don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, although I’m sure Kris would be perfectly able to fend for herself.
ETA: I find it ironic that in your relationship, the person who is “restless” is also the one with the most “stuff”.
Man, good for you for keeping that Stuff contained in the basement.
My dad had crazy amounts of stuff in our apartment as I grew up. It was a pretty dirty place. Now that we’ve gotten older, and he’s gotten older, we’ve been able to – I hate to say it – browbeat him into putting it all in storage.
It would break his heart to sell it; it practically broke his heart to store it. But I consider it $180 per month well-spent for the sake of my parents having a (slightly) more livable apartment.
j.d.,
For what it’s worth, I’ll go ahead and chime-in with my comments regarding your real life dilemma.
First, there is a very big difference between, what well-being researchers call, “happiness” and “life satisfaction”. Both are differing constructs that seem to draw from different mental systems. Often times, stories dealing with well-being or “happiness” research fail to identify this very important distinction. In a nutshell, “happiness” is more related to positive emotions and mood, and is vulnerable to moment by moment changes in these domains. Life satisfaction, on the other hand, is more intellectual and at a “higher” consciousness level. Most people describe happiness as more of a feeling. When asked about life satisfaction, people generally conjure up images of their daily life, and compare it to some sort of mental standard that they have developed by way of a multitude of simuli.
A common way to differentiate the two constructs is to look to parenting. Parents often describe raising children as life-sapping and tedious. Many in the middle of the prime childrearing years report being dissatified with their lives as a result – they don’t have time to do the things they enjoy doing. On the other hand, children generally bring people a lot of joy. And, when they make a judgment about how happy they are, they think of the good moments with their children, and report being happier as a result. This is why parents can’t wait to get to work to escape their annoying children, but, at work, they can’t wait to get home to see their smiling faces.
On a personal note (and I think I am about ten years older than you), I went through a mid-life crisis about seven years ago, which resulted in a divorce, a house sale, a new wife, and two young children (my first). My previous life rated high in satisfaction. I was able to travel with my wife, we had a very nice home, nice cars, a growing retirement account, well-paying jobs, the works. I was satisfied with my life, but I was not happy. Now, I am less satisfied with my life (many more obligations, less money, less free time, many more chores, hassles, etc.). However, I am immensely happier. I never get bored. I truly adore my young children and “new” wife. I love my new life!
This may not pertain to you j.d., but, for me, it was huge. I went through some personal discovery sessions during my life transition, and discovered that my life is more about meaning and peace than success and ambition. Happiness over life satisfaction was the choice for me.
It reads to me that you used to be happy but not satisfied with your life, and now you are less “happy” (more hassles) but have more “life satisfaction” (you like what you are doing with your life). At least that’s the way it reads to me. I want to edit your post!
I have seen this take place in family members…wherever they go, they take themselves, and find the same issues again and again.
I find myself happiest when I have a “project” or goal I am working for. Whatever it is, I spend time researching, debating options, getting ready, dreaming and planning. That is what I see in your past. You were happy in the “process” of getting debt free. You were happy in the “process” of creating a garden and tracking it’s finances. You were happy with the “process” of getting healthier. Now you are in the “process” of wanting to travel. It sounds like Kris has agreed to your trying that for numerous solo trips. So spend some time planning the upcoming travel…couch serf or rent a place for time. Travel many places or spend some time in each place? There is much to work on there! You are not being held back by your house or Kris. You have the great opportunity of having both options for a while. Share the process with Kris. There are many adventures ahead for you both.
The only thing for certain is continued change. Just hold onto each other in the process.
LOVE THE TINY HOUSE!
JD, have you heard of the book The Joy of Less? In there she describes a way to get rid of Stuff: move EVERYTHING out of a given room, and move back only what you want to keep. That way you are not choosing what to get rid of, but what to keep. Plus since its such a big task to move that much stuff, going through the effort to move things twice means you must really want/need it.
Also, just to put something out there: I’ve always wondered if the idea of wanting to see and do everything wonderful in the world (or to be constantly on the move) sometimes comes from the notion that satisfaction/happiness/the fun is somewhere else. While I’m not saying anything against travel (In moderation I am all for it!), I think something should also be said for knowing and exploring the space and people already around you.
On of my favorite blogs did a post about this a little while ago: http://lovelybike.blogspot.com/2011/04/on-living-locally-and-seeking.html
Tiny houses suck.
http://tinyhouseblog.com/tiny-house/tiny-houses-suck/
Congratulations, JD! Change is great. As is self-awareness, open communication with one’s spouse, and honesty with yourself and others. You’re going through a great process.
One of the things that most breaks my heart is people who resist change, live monotonous lives, and don’t ever try to make their worlds any bigger than they currently are. There’s SO MUCH out there – so much to see and do and experience. I’ve never even wanted just one career because there are dozens of things that are interesting. I’m amazed by how many people refuse to open up their own worlds and instead cling to what they know and are comfortable with. Why not try new things? It’s generally easy to go back to one’s old ways if you aren’t happy with the change.
I’m also amazed by how vehemently people defend their own unhappiness and narrowness. They might complain about a job they hate, and then instead of finding something better and different, they are well-versed in two dozen reasons why they can’t quit. Or I’ve met people in Portland who have NEVER seen the ocean. They own a car. They have gas in the tank. But they’ve never even made their world big enough to drive to the coast, let alone another country. It’s sad and depressing.
A lot of Americans don’t even give themselves the space to ponder change. They stay in unhappy jobs and unhappy marriages and unhappy homes and assume it’s their lot in life. They are unwilling to take risks to find something better. So, good for you for thinking and stretching and expanding.
This world is big and dynamic and amazing. There’s so much to see and experience. Go do it all. You’ll make it work with Kris and with other parts of your life. There are a million ways to construct a marriage and a work life and a travel life – it’s liberating when you create your own path rather than following societal-created molds.
You are also going to love traveling solo. I’m sure of it. I’ve traveled solo a lot, which is essentially a necessity if you really want to see the world – if you wait on others, especially Americans, you’ll barely travel anywhere.
P.S. I’d also put in my vote for increasing your service to others through local volunteerism and cash donations. It’s powerful to make your world bigger than yourself in these ways. Try an animal shelter – that’s a place where your help will always be needed. And try to have meaningful interactions when you travel, which are much better had when not part of some giant stop with a tour or with someone who approaches you (and 100 other tourists) every day.
My wife and I met while in the Peace Corps in Lesotho (southern Africa). We spent close to ten years working with orphaned children. We saw many things both their and in our travels, “tasting the world” as you say. It is worth it. Money will never buy what experience gives you. We moved back to the U.S. and made choices to buy the smallest house we could, live a fairly austere lifestyle and forego the latest crazes. After seeing and experiencing what we saw and did, it is hard to see it any other way.
Definitely hire landscapers and purge as much as you can–you will like your house a lot more!!
Tammy’s solution may not be as hilarious as you think. I know somebody who did just that. She wanted to rent her house in the city, where she worked, so she built a huge “storage shed” in her backyard which was really a tiny house that she could stay in when she was in town. On weekends she went to her country house.
hmmmmmm…how many months per year do you have to mow the lawn in Portland?
About 6
My interpretation of most of your blog posts over the last several months is that you have GRS fatigue. You’ve reached the end of your PF journey yet the blog hasn’t evolved away from that focus. Maybe it’s time to step away from this blog permanently???
Just my $0.02
I so get this feeling too!
I dont’ want you to stop writing GRS – despite it not really being about personal finance – I enjoyed this article WAY MORE than yet another one about Sierra’s yoga classes or thirft store adventures, or April credit card guilt. Thank you for the honesty!
but it does seem like you are done, and unfortunatly the quality of your other blogs do not come close to this one. It seems like maybe you need to fix the things that are wrong – get rid of the stuff, takes some trips, hire the gardener – then reasses – just like you plan on doing.
Good luck!
Great idea! I too find I love JDs articles on other subjects besides money. Maybe time to branch out and write more about your other passions to rekindle some additional joy?! But please don’t stop blogging!
I generally share your sentiments. However, I believe this post is about money. It speaks to some of the conundrums people routinely face in the third stage of personal finance, especially if you cannot make unilateral decisions. I find this post intriguing and compelling. Despite my household being in the first stage – I think it is prudent for me to think about how post-debt I can create a life that serves my highest good. It is so fulfilling to think of a time when our household earnings will not just be devoted to debt repayment.
I have to say that this is exactly what I’ve been picking up on lately as well. I feel like JD has been going through what my artist friends call the “post-project crash” as he’s achieved his goals. It’s well known in my industry that after you pour your heart and soul into a project, you go through a period where you need to simply drop off the face of the earth to recharge. It’s usually proportional to the length of the project–a two week freelance gig might result in 2-3 days of inactivity. When I finished up a two year project, I spent about 6 months being unfocused. The more you try to fight this period, the longer it takes to get through, because if you don’t give your mind the break it craves, it’ll keep trying to take it on it’s own.
My recommendation is to take a mental break. You have a trip planned, but don’t spend a lot of time trying to shape it into something specific. Just go and experience it. Don’t try to make big life plans right now, until you feel like you’ve got your mojo back. When you give your mind a little slack, I predict you’ll find the clarity that you are looking for right now.
We moved from our old 2,000 sq ft house to a 2 bedroom condo in downtown. It was a great move for us and we love it here.
Good luck figuring out what to do!
I love this post. I am going through the same thing right now. I don’t live in a big home. I have a small two bedroom, 2 bathroom duplex. It’s quiet, nice and in a good neighborhood. Sounds like a dream doesn’t it?
My DS left home a couple of years ago to fly his wings. My DH & I are still young. This home is now huge to me. I am not owned by things. I have always practiced decluttering, simplicity and minimalism.
Getting rid of things is not a problem. The home holds no emotional attachments. It is a pretty frugal home except for utility bills living in the South during the Summer.
I am like you I just screamed today I don’t want to live here any more. I just really don’t. It’s all blah to me and I want something new and new experiences. I raised a child in this home and now I just want a sweet home so I can create and dote on my animals.
I want to scale down to a smaller home. I am an artist and my DH is a car guy so we do need some room for our work.
Yes, I know it’s hard undertaking a move when you find a dream. I say go for it. I think you will be a lot happier. I know in other topics you wrote that your home does drive you nuts a little. 🙂
I loved your idea about moving to something smaller and then selling at a later date. I think that’s a good idea. My DH & I are buying because it’s so cheap right now. Your home is too beautiful to be let go for a steal. We are buying a fixer upper since we enjoy that. Good luck. Sorry if this posted twice
My mother downsized from a two-story home that i grew up in to a patio home half the size with a lot half the size.
but it has been twice the work (over 10 years) re-establishing a yard, garden and the decorating the inside.. not to mention the large amount of cash for curtains, wood floors, plants..etc.
“the greass is always greener on the other farm”
I’ve just browsed the comments and want to provide another way to view your problem (hope my english is good enough).
Buying the house is perhaps for you just another of your financial decisions that you didn’t think through at that time. The problem is, you can’t undo the decision of your own, because you bought the house together with your wife. You have “joined finances” in that aspect of your life. Your problem is a problem that couples with joined finances face a lot. For you it is new because you and Kris usually manage your money separately.
I think it’s wonderful how you and Kris try to find a good solution for this problem, respecting the the views of each other. I don’t think you’re growing apart, but Kris didn’t need to change as much as you did. Her reasons for buying the house are still valid. Your’s maybe not. So you perhaps need to find new reasons to stay at your house that fit the “new financial responsible J.D.”. Or you and Kris will find another solution.
I think you nailed it.
Some people just know what they want, or are able to think it through before they jump. My partner’s like that – I’m a “try a bunch of different things until one makes me happy” person, he’s a “think about this a long time and then do the right thing” person.
I couldn’t even comprehend the level of stability he expects from his life, when we hooked up – I kept expecting him to wake up in his mid-twenties or maybe when he hit thirty, and want the traveling & experimenting time that I had taken in my early twenties. I continue to jump around – took an internship out of state, traveled some, changed jobs – and then stayed solid for a couple years, offering him “his turn” to bust out awhile.
But he didn’t take the offered freedom. I don’t think he will. He has the job he wants (has since before he graduated college), we live in the neighborhood and city he prefers (the second place he’s ever lived), we have the size of family and number of pets he chose…as weird as it seems to me, he doens’t crave novelty. He’d be perfectly happy to have exactly this life forever.
I think it may be a “mid life crisis.” I think I may be having a quarter life crisis at 28. See my husband and I are doing quite well financially. In addition we have chosen to be childfree. This has really freed up the rest of our life. But that is the issue! I almost feel like “Ok. So this is it to life?” I would love to sell it all and leave on a world trip. If my husband said yes I would be right on board. But my husband wishes to keep our home and travel 3-4 times a year. When I really think of it in depth I remember our last international trip, 12 days in Germany and Austria for Oktoberfest. It was wonderful!! But I was HAPPY to be going home. I think JD you felt the same way after France. Funny thing is when my husband thinks “this is it?” he gets so happy that this is it. He loves to be at home, reading his comics…I would rather be out and travel!
Some of the things my husband and I have decided are fix up our house. It is an older home that needs some TLC and $. We have chosen in the past to travel rather than fix it. So the remainder of this year we will not travel but fix the house. I also need to start/find a hobby I love besides travel!!
I have always dreamed of living overseas for a sea months. This is something my husband is very open too. But he looks at it as a long vacation. As a nurse I am actively looking into taking a international assignment for a few months in the future. While we may have different things that satisfy us our love keeps us together. Best of luck with your “wondering mind!”
This is why they invented the sabbatical. Take 6 months and live a different lifestyle. Take Kris with you if she wants to go (sublet the house). My husband and I had to live apart several times while I took short term jbs to build a resume in a new field, and while I enjoyed the adventures I came back with a new enthusiasm for our “normal” life together. My thought is to not just sweat it out if you’re truly unhappy and tell yourself you’re doing it for the sake of your marriage; that can lead to so much resentment. The best thing you can give Kris is a happy husband.
There’s one line in your post that really struck me: “We have whole rooms we rarely use.” Buying a house is obviously our biggest purchase in life and deliberation should be extensive. As with anything I buy, I want to know if I will use it to its full extent; if I buy a pair of shoes, I think about how versatile they will be. Native Americans used everything mother nature gave them to its fullest; something we should think about every time we make a purchase, especially our home.
Honestly, I think people are a little bit nuts on here about this total aversion to the least bit of extra space in one’s residence.
One of my cars has 200 hp; I almost never use all of those ponies. The other one has all-wheel drive, it’s rare that I use that.
There’s no sin against having some extra space in your house. Moving to a smaller house, and paying all the associated costs to do so–realtor commissions, closing fees, title fees, title insurance, moving expenses, new decorations, etc. simply to compete in the “Who Lives in Less Space” Contest, is unnecessary and counter-productive.
DH was “over” the house we had lived in for many years before I was. Then we had a job change and the our house was too far from both of our works. We rented a smaller house near both of our works to get our sanity back. It is older, smaller and in most American’s view inferior to the other house. It’s not to use and we really like most things about it more than our other house.
We also found a renter for the other house so it ended up being a bit of a cash flow positive experiment with out any long term commitment. Anyway neither one of use has any plan/desire to go back to the bigger house. We stil haven’t sold it and we aren’t sure what we would do long term instead, but it ended up being a way to try living in a smaller space without commiting long term.
I think it is a bad financial move to keep your belongings in a house that you are paying a mortgage on. However, if the house is paid off, then I guess keeping it around for six months would just cost you maintenance fees. Still…sounds too much like renting a storage facility (and I loathe that idea).
Good luck with your decisionmaking! I hope the two of you can come up with a good compromise.
Here’s a suggestion, grow up & act like a man; You’re blessed & you’ve lost sight of that.
You’re going through the typical mid-life crisis that causes so many men to ditch the wife, get a fast car & young girlfriend; then spend the rest of their life regretting it.
There are 7 billion people in the world & 6.8 billion of them would LOVE to have your problem.
Devote yourself to making your wife happy and stop thinking about yourself.
I’m much much younger than you, but if I was your brother I’d slap you upside your head.
Task: Read some of G.K. Chestertons works
This idea that people make these changes or do these things and then “spend the rest of their life regretting it” is a bunch of crap. Some of them might, but a lot of them live out the rest of their lives perfectly happy with the changes. There’s a lot of seriously judgemental “my morality must be your morality” going on here in many of the comments.
For real – JD hasn’t even done anything yet but talk about some plans and the masses are clamoring with their pitchforks.
Read what I wrote again a little more slowly and try to understand what I said instead of interpreting what you think I meant by it.
There was no mention of morality in my post, overtly or otherwise.
I didn’t say ALL men regret their mid-life crisis antics, I used a non-specific number. You took issue with an ANALOGY about a NON-SPECIFIC number of people, you obviously have enough free time to work on your critical thinking skills.
“devote yourself to your wife and stop thinking about yourself” is your morals, not necessarily everyone else’s. Also I said many of the comments were morality and judgemental, not just yours. Work on your own critical thinking skills. “act like a man” was a nasty comment and extremely judgemental. Who are you to say J.D. is not “acting like a man”? Your idea of what a “man” acts like is again, YOUR morals.
That post is indicative of what’s wrong with the world, a horrible combination of latitudinarian beliefs and being under educated. We can’t have a real debate b/c we will be unable to find common intellectual ground by which to begin, otherwise known as an Axiom or First Principle, primarily because you aren’t capable of rational thought.
My advice was to JD & JD only, whether it agrees with “everyone else’s” morality is irrelevant, b/c it wasn’t meant for ANYONE else. He took marriage vows, which means my advice to him is in line with HIS morality.
Get a life
Wow. Pompous ass much?
Checkmate, you just made my under-educated point for me. Friend, my suggestion to you is enroll in a Remedial English class and an Intro to Philosophy class at your local community college; not just you but society as a whole will be the better for it. God Bless and Good Luck.
Wow, these sniping comments are just awful.
I would much rather nesting replies and liking not be allowed if people are going to be allowed to make these awful personal attacks on each other.
I suggest a ban on , “[adjective] much?” and the word “remedial.”
JD here is a house for you.
http://io9.com/5814007/in-this-eensy+weensy-pod-house-your-car-is-your-living-room
I think Kris is a very wise person – not merging finances until she is sure of how you will be when you finish growing is a very good idea. I have had the feeling that, although I really loved someone and knew they loved me, I was sort of lagging behind somehow – I was happy with what I had and he wanted so much more, and no matter what he got, it didn’t make things better in the long term. I am now with a new husband and my ex is with his new wife and everyone is happy. I think there is a certain bonding that makes people happy and satisfied and it can take a very long time to mature or be instant, but if it doesn’t happen then moving on is best.
I think all of this has its root in this movement of living radically. You know, I read Chris Guillebreau’s blog, and even have his e-mails sent to my inbox. I also read a few other “live the life you want!” kind of blogs off and on.
I’m sure these people are good people, who mean well. Here’s my problem with that whole movement. The reality is that they are making their living off of making their consumers feel lack in their own lives- which is truly no different than Nike making you feel like you reallyreallyreally need their apparel to be a real athlete. I mean, even Chris’s blog name says it all- “The Art of Non-Conformity”. Because of course, being a special snowflake is what the last few generations have aspired to, and no-one wants to be a conformist with a “boring” life.
I suppose it just seems so obvious to me that we can’t all have crazy successful blogs that allow us to become respected self help gurus and travel the world, yet so many of these “Change your life!” bloggers and gurus seem to imply that. Further, there is a LOT and I mean a LOT of condescension in that scene towards “wage slaves”, or people with jobs, aka the majority of people in the world. Therefore, being interesting and thoughtful and evolved means *not* living in one place for 30 years and owning a home. It means traveling the whole world and writing books and running successful blogs and it certainly means not “selling out” and stooping to having a traditional job. The movement has become the place where the cool kids live.
But the only reason that people like this are able to make a living is BECAUSE there are people out there who are a bit bored and they can tap into that boredom and make them think that the problem with their lives is that they aren’t living out of a suitcase and traveling all over the entire world.
We can’t all live like that. And honestly, most people don’t even truly WANT to, but then some charismatic person comes up and starts telling them that they’d be happier if they only owned 100 things in a backpack, or didn’t have a job, or lived out of their car, or traveled all over the world as a solo traveler.
I suppose I would just ask myself if you might not be a victim of some feel good marketing. And again, I don’t even mean that Chris and the other people involved mean anything malicious. I absolutely believe they believe what they’re saying. I just think it’s pretty obvious that they are using basic marketing techniques to sell their ideas, and that sometimes that might be harmful to people. We all go through periods of ennui where life isn’t just sparkleponies and glitter dance parties. It’s normal. But I think that all too often, instead of looking *inward* for the source, people latch upon these change your whole entire life movements and project their ennui and dissatisfaction outward. Hence, you think you need to move, sell the house, travel the world. You don’t think that maybe you need to change things in your personal life, or volunteer, as others have suggested, or find a new hobby, etc.
I want to make sure it’s clear- I’m not saying that crazy change is never necessary. But most of the time? Crazy change just serves to make you feel like you’re doing something when in reality the chaos of the crazy change is simply serving to distract from the real problem.
Indeed. Whenever I start feeling sorry for myself because I haven’t travelled more or done more spectacular things, I think: the vast majority of people on the planet never get more than a few miles from their home. Any while many struggle with difficult living conditions, many are also perfectly happy. I know because I met a few on my travels.
This fascinates me because it says so much about happiness. The one thing JD noted about his trip to Africa was how cheerful many of these people and especially the children were. Despite their difficult lives, which are unimaginable to me.
Instead of taking away that we can be content with very little if we value what we do have, we take away from trips that we want to see more and do more. It’s almost gluttonous. (And I include myself in that statement.)
I love this comment, so I didn’t want to just press that like button. I completely agree.
Yes, yes and more yes. It’s these bloggers’ jobs to sell their fabulous lifestyle. Just like it is Martha Stewart’s job to sell the the fantasy that my thanksgiving dinner table can look like the spread at her house! Her house really is like that. But mine isn’t.
Yes, the Martha Stewart analogy is perfect!
Best comment in the thread. Thank you for articulating what’s been bothering me about this whole “lifestyle design” hype so well.
Brilliant comment. JD should have highlighted this one. I wanted to say the same thing but you said it much better. Thank you!
JD, can you put this comment on the front page? I think this is the most beautiful thing I’ve read in weeks, and a view deeply devoted to a “slow” growth philosophy.
I agree, this comment should be on the front page. I read many of these same blogs and, after a while, they all start to sound the same selling the same idea (and it is a sales job).
Thank you, Simon. I was afraid it may have come off too harsh/negative.
I too love this comment. Well said Cortney. Frankly I think the Art of nonconformity blog is elitist, and no offense but a lot of these “non-conformists” are just as conformist.
I don’t really see anything non-conformist about Chris. Like Cortney said, he uses marketing skills that corporations use. Travel is a rather mainstream thing, and the goal of quitting a job you hate is rather common.
In fact many people quit jobs they hate and find jobs they like better. I also like contributing to a 401 (k) and an IRA, I’ve heard too many horror stories of people broke in their 70s.
Sometimes one person’s dream is another person’s nightmare. I don’t see anything unique from living out of a bag. I also hate it when people think they’re superior to anyone. I hate such snobbishness.
“Sometimes one person’s dream is another person’s nightmare”. I heartily agree.
These days about the most non-conformist thing you can do is have a fully funded retirement.
Cortney, you did write a good comment. I think your point is really valid for people who have normal safe and stable, or so called “boring” lives. Which is probably where most of us are.
I agree with you 100% but need to note that there are indeed exception times when a kind of crazy change can be good: Example: after a crisis or shock event in your life, it sometimes is good to have a major change for a while (note FOR A WHILE) just to recover. A bit of ME time after you’ve been through a very tough hard time in life. A change like that can be really healthy for some.
But wanting a big change simply because of boredom, which is clearly the case here is a danger signal in my view.
M- I agree, sometimes a big change is definitely necessary.
“wanting a big change simply because of boredom, which is clearly the case here is a danger signal in my view”
Unless the boredom is justified. We moved from a city to a small town (my husband’s company transferred him), and after five years we are moving back to a city. Despite becoming involved in the community here, we miss the opportunity and variety of city life.
Great comment. Two things have always bothered me about this movement: one, as Cortney noted, is the condescension toward “wage slaves” with ordinary jobs – despite the fact that you wouldn’t get very far in your world travels if no one sold your ticket, staffed your airplane, made your backpack, or produced the computer and the telecommunications infrastructure that lets you blog from a beach in South America. Second, I always wonder why some people who travel to remote areas and rave about the happiness of the communities they visit don’t seem to value their own local ties nearly as much. The community of a simple fishing village is something to aspire to, but the community of working parents in Boston who get together for dinner and faithfully attend one another’s kid’s birthday parties? Boring and consumerist!
Yes, this exactly! “despite the fact that you wouldn’t get very far in your world travels if no one sold your ticket, staffed your airplane, made your backpack, or produced the computer and the telecommunications infrastructure that lets you blog from a beach in South America”.
The idea I’ve gotten from aonc and other blogs like it isn’t so much that “my lifestyle is the one to emulate” or that “the more weird the better” but “do what’s right for you and if what’s right is weird that’s ok”. I’d hope that someone at the wds with a more traditional life they were honestly happy with would be just as welcomed as the nomads. In fact being happy at a normal job is non-conformist anyway.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” -Benjamin Franklin.
It’s kind of fitting, no? Especially considering that this is a personal finance blog. Perhaps it’s not as much about being unhappy, but more about an urge for adventure and what is more apparently tying you down then a house? You can’t put it in a back-pack and you can’t leave it behind for a year, at least generally that’s how’s felt about that. Because it’s the place with all your stuff – and stuff is important, well we think it is; which is the same thing…
So are you really unhappy with the house you live in or are you unhappy that you live in a house? A house is only adventures when you go out and buy one and for how long you’re busy fitting it. After that, all the adventure in it is gone. So aren’t you just looking for an adventure fix? And if so, do you really think you’ll be happier once you buy another house and go live there? I personally doubt that.
“We all go through periods of ennui where life isn’t just sparkleponies and glitter dance parties” may be the best sentence I’ve read in weeks 🙂
I’m not sure if anyone has suggested this, yes, as 200+ comments take too long to go through, but simply rent out a room. Have part of the rent be taking care of the lawn. This takes care of an annoying chore, brings in some income, and gives you a reason to declutter a part of the house faster. Win, win, win.
I like this idea!
If you want to taste the best of this world, I can recommend the city of Portland Oregon.
I LOVE Portland and I would kill to live there, especially in JD’s house! But there’s no way I could afford a nice house on what my profession makes. So I’m content in a Midwestern college town.
I think this has been a fascinating, and fantastic discussion. A lot of us have been here, or will be; wondering “what’s next” in our lives, or what we’re supposed to be doing anyway.
I have spent some time on personal development, with people who are all about “living an extraordinary life.” That’s all well and good for them. But not everyone is up for an extraordinary life; more and more I’m looking for, and seeing, the value in a life that is simply ordinary. Simple pleasures like family and friends, a good book or movie, a job that pays the bills and allows a little free time. These things are great. To paraphrase Doctor Who, there is nothing more important, more precious, than an ordinary life.
When I met you last summer (Savvy Blogging Summit), you said, “Kris is always right”.
Given that, she’s probably right about staying in the house. You’ve come up with great ideas and I think you might find you love your house again soon.
I like to travel but I also like coming to a stable home after my travels. If a certain amount of stuff makes you happy then I see nothing wrong with that.
As long as you’re not a hoarder which is a mental disorder and as long as you can live your life without it impacting your health, peace of mind, relationship with your wife, and your friends.
I’m not a hoarder. I’m not a minimalist, I’m somewhere down the middle. I like a certain amount of stuff because it makes my life easier. I also suggest that you pay for yard work if you don’t want to keep it up, or you and Kris can split up the chores.
I think this is an affluent person’s problem and it’s not a bad problem to have. 🙂
JD,
Yes, yet another comment on your controversial post!
Please take note of those of us who want to warn you of danger, in our various ways which clearly varies from the very subtle :”wishing you and Kris the best of luck” to the very straight- forward “you are bored and experiencing a mid-life crisis!”
My former husband and I met when we were very young and lived together for 12 years – the world thinking our marriage was rock solid. Then one day a drastic revelation came from him to me on how he wants to change his life, see the world and pursuing a woman he just met. Well, it was a shock to me but it didn’t take me long to agree and say, OK, fine lets go different ways – just to see how it works out for a while. I was bored with life too I guess. I handled it very calm – he too. As rational clever 30-something professional people do.
But what followed in a few weeks was hell… He suddenly decided that he made a mistake and wanted me back with all the love and commitment in the world. But I said…. sorry, I cannot be switched on and off.
Emotional hell followed… The kind of hell that turn two rational normal people into insane emotional unstable mental cases.
So, when you dream your dream of taking a new turn in life. Be aware – you think you’ll be ok without Kris for a while, but without knowing, something might be slowly dying because the “taking for granted” thing is happening, without you realising it.
Whatever you do in the future, don’t ever take her for granted, because you might be alone one day kicking yourself and slamming your head because of the things you did, which you think were harmless.
I was also full of bravado before my break-up, thinking I will be ok on my own as well.
Man, be carefull – these things creep up slowly. Big mistakes in life are not always impulse moves, they sometimes happen little by little.
Think about it – and speak to some divorced people who have been though the break-up of a long relationship – you’ll be amazed at how small a big break-up begins – and often it is not so much about another woman but purely boredom and this feeling of needing to “experiencing more in life, because time is short”. Careful – many of us have been down this road and it ain’t a smooth ride!
On your death-bed one day, the people in your life close to you will mean much more than any solo adventure around the world – promise.
Cheers
M
This was an amazing comment. Thank you for posting.
To make use of what is there, make use of what is not. -Lao Tse
Feels like you might be wrestling with the value of your life. You make good money and are able to do most of the things you want to do, but what’s the future look like? How will you measure the value of your life in 20 years? That’s not a number that’s tied to your finances.
You and I have nearly opposite world-views I imagine, though I appreciate your financial views and this blog has helped us get our fiscal act together.
For us, raising kids (five) and working in a vocation that’s making a world-wide difference (I work at a Christian non-profit) is extremely important. I wonder if you are discontent because your life has no eternal meaning.
We are not the sum of our possessions.
JD,
I know this post is late in the game but aside from everything else did you consider your audience at all when you put this out? I’m thinking of all the readers who are struggling to make ends meet or get out from under their debt and come to this site for tips, inspiration, etc – because they know you are the guy who reached that goal. So imagine their suprise to find out that the guy who is relatively debt free, has a loving wife, beautiful home and good income seems to be fundamentally unhappy with his life. Talk about a slap in the face. Makes one wonder if the struggle is worth it if you still aren’t going to be happy in the end…
Finally your wife is a kinder woman than me- I would have given you swift kick in your fourth point of contact for the announcement “I dont want to live here anymore” and then put you and your suitcase out on the porch to let you figure it out.
Tiff- You make a good point, one that I hadn’t considered. As you said, J.D. has “arrived” he’s in the 3rd stage, this is where all of his hard work should be paying off. But as you noted, “imagine their suprise to find out that the guy who is relatively debt free, has a loving wife, beautiful home and good income seems to be fundamentally unhappy with his life. Talk about a slap in the face. Makes one wonder if the struggle is worth it if you still aren’t going to be happy in the end”.
I didn’t think about how this post might sound to someone who is under the burden of consumer debt, in the midst of struggling to pay off debt. Thank you for pointing that out.
Well he did go to a conference the world domination summit or whatever it’s called, usually after conferences a lot of people tend to be on an emotional high.
This happens to brides too, they get emotionally high planning for the wedding and after their wedding day a lot of brides tend to get the post wedding blues.
I’m sure that he knows how fortunate he is to have a wonderful life. I guess no matter where you are in life, everyone is always looking for that next thing.
I don’t think it’s necessarily bad, but probably human, since time moves us on and we want to have new experiences, meet new people, etc. I just hope he doesn’t throw away his relationship with his wife.
Too many people seem willing to do that these days. :-/
My spouse and I did a mid-life/late-life (depending on your perspective) Peace Corps adventure in Ukraine (2005-2007). How is this relevent to your dilemma? Maybe you and your spouse could pacj it all in and volunteer for a Peace Corps assignment. It’s a great chance to serve and make a difference and also to step back from your life and assess what is essential, what is important…My spouse and Icame back from Peace Corps after 27 months of living in a tiny, one-room flat where we had just very basic stuff (for example only two unmatched place-settings of dishes and flatware, two or three towels, etc). The return to materialistic USA was a mixed blessing. We definitely felt overwhlemed by all the consumer goods! As “recovering-returned Peace Corps Volunteers” we are trying to find a middle ground. We purged and packed away stuff when we headed to Ukraine – taking less than 100 pounds of stuff. Now that we are finally back in our modest house after 6 years of adventuring (we did a post PC AmeriCorps*VISTA adventire in Santa Fe, NM for 3 years and house-sat in an empty dome home the whole time and I walked the 1000K Camino in sunny Spain.) and we are chaffing because of all the stuff we have. And, like you, the yard work, that use dto be a delight, no longer seems like fun. The house needs so much maintenance…and we have other things on our mind besides decorating and designing and cleaning and caring for stuff we never use or need. We will be downsizing, simplfying and finding a better way to live. We are on the same page. Perhaps a break from life as you both know it here in the USA would help you , while you are helping others. Life is good, if you pay attention.
“Ginn”
In Steamy SC
Hi,
For your lawn care I think a good solution would be something like a lawnmower robot. My wife’s family is the midwest distributer of these and they own several acres of land. All of it is looks like a golf course and is perfectly groomed. They rarely have to do anything as the robot mows the lawn 24/7 and recharges itself.
Here is the link, I am not related to them at all and have no commission or anything. They were on home and gardern and this old house on cable.
http://www.therobostoreinc.com/
Thanks – Hope this helps.
Jeremy
I was pleased to come across this post, via Tammy’s blog. I’m in a huge ’20s house that I inherited from parents – just myself in the house with one sister. It’s on a large narrow lot, not far from downtown in a medium-size southeastern city. Sometimes, though – I HATE it. I’ve spent years cleaning out stuff my parents hoarded, and things are totally shaping up – but sometimes I think I’d prefer living in a tiny Katrina cottage with just a few possessions and lots of time to travel and write. Just mowing the lawn here, has to be spread out over a couple of days. And I can’t even begin to list all the repairs and fix-ups that need to be done. I know I shouldn’t complain, though. It may be somewhat of a dump, but at least it’s paid for. But the other day, I was going to the basement to get a towel to wipe up a bit of water that had leaked into the attic during a rainstorm, and I kept thinking, “my knees and I are TOO OLD for a 3-story house!” (And, we do make jokes, shouting out in an echo-y voice, “I’ll be in the bathroom in the west wing, if you need me!!!”
I’ve been rereading this post and it seems that part of the problem is your stuff overwhelms you.
I’m really not sure how moving to a smaller place would help because you really need to deal with your struggle with stuff.
Otherwise you might buy more stuff and fill up the new place. From reading your posts about stuff, you seem to have a psychological and emotional struggle with stuff. Maybe it’s time for you to talk to a psychologist or counselor.
I don’t feel that way about stuff. It’s easy for me to throw things away. My bf and I can pack up our things into our two cars except for the bed.
With sentimental items, such as photographs, I uploaded them onto my computer and then backed them up on a USB drive. I really suggest that you devote yourself a couple of hours every weekend and get rid of stuff.
Donate it, give it away, throw away stuff that can’t be given away and I’m sure that little by little your house will be clean, more spacious and through constant practice of giving away things maybe it will help you in a psychological way.
I think it would really help if you sat down and thought about your life now. What works for your life now and what things are beneficial for you to own?
Some people like to hold onto things even though they’ll never use them again just because they used them 10 years ago. A lot of people have the idea that they need to hang onto it because they might need it again.
You really have to look at your habits now and what you can live with, and what you can live without.
EDIT: Once you clean out your house and get rid of all the stuff, why not just keep the house as it is? Keep the house clean and spacious and with “just enough” stuff for you and Kris. You may have a beautiful spacious house but just because you do it doesn’t mean that you need to fill it up again.
Okay just a thought J.D., I was trying to help so please don’t take it the wrong way.
Wow, JD — this post came for me at a perfect time as I am struggling with being “stuck” in my current home for five more years (for various reasons — kids in school, market, etc.) I’ve historically moved every two and have been working very hard to be grateful for what I have. So far it’s working and reading your post and the hundreds of thought-provoking replies has affirmed my own choice for a number of reasons.
What I wanted to share though, is a lesson I learned from a preacher in Georgia — you are on a PATH. The decisions that you make and the actions that you take are not isolated one-offs, but they are all steps along the path where you’re headed. If you continue on this path, in a couple of years (give or take) when you announce that you and Kris have gone separate ways, you’ll be the only one surprised. It’s the path you’re on. Separate accounts, separate vacations, separate dreams … It’s not luck that you need, but a reality check.
If you built a Small house in the yard, like a guest house, you could look at using the farmhouse as a vacation rental for people to stay in to visit Portland. It could provide extra income while letting your wife still own, maintain, and share the home she loves.
I’m the exact same way! Every so often I will get a new idea in my head, and my wife will laugh and say that I’m on another one of my “kicks”. Those new ideas sometimes go in different directions than choices I had previously made. I’ve actually recently been having the exact same struggle with my house. When we bought it, it seemed to be great. It’s a huge house in a good location, with a huge yard. But, now I have started wanting to downsize. It’s not just the 2+ hours it takes me to mow (although that is a major factor). Like you, we have rooms we don’t use for weeks/months, and it just feels so wasteful.
we have been pondering the exact same issue. our dream house was custom built on 20 acres. now it feels too big and we are shocked by how fast our children are growing – will we really want to live here, just the two of us, with so much space *and* so much land to take care of?
but .. i would caution you to really *thoroughly* think through the financial aspect of trading your “old dream” house for a new home. we sat down and really crunched the numbers, and we weren’t going to save much money by downgrading quite a bit. our *estimate* of the change in our finances was way off from the reality. for the small difference in financial savings, we started thinking about how to redesign the way we live in our current home rather than moving.
remember that moving is a stressful life change and takes a lot of time, energy, and money .. and you may be no happier when you move than you are now. (go back and read more daniel gilbert!)
you could get rid of a lot of your lawn – less mowing. you could pull out those shrubs that have to be trimmed. you could completely transform your land.
you could hack your house. go ahead and get rid of your stuff. pimp your energy savings. close off unused parts of the house. do some serious research into saving money on utilities and maintenance.
spend your energy doing work you love and pay people to do jobs you don’t enjoy.
you may find that by committing to what you already have you can get what you really want even more easily than switching to something different.
How about using one of those empty rooms to foster kittens?
Hey JD!
We met at WDS.
I’m so glad to see that you too are struggling with this house thing. We are in the same pickle. I envy some of our WDS friends who are free to roam the earth due to little obligations and no mortgages. Our house has served us well over the years but we are seriously considering getting something smaller now that we are empty-nesters. (We have a 2100 sq ft ranch house.)
Unfortunately, the real estate market stinks right now and it is not prudent to sell it. So, we are probably going to stick it out until the market perks up.
The bloggers that I enjoy reading, e.g. Chris G., Leo, Tammy, etc., are bloggers who are honest, real, and genuine.
Thanks for being real with us.
(I’m following Awesome People too. Good luck with that.)
Great topic!
I’ve been there and lived through the process. In our case, we built our dream house (3000 square feet) on three acres overlooking the Willamette Valley near Eugene, Oregon, when I sold my business and retired at 57. Our goal was to live an elegant lifestyle living off the land, planting our own food (15 raised beds), heat with wood stoves from trees on our property, and create a beautiful flower garden mixed with a variety of Japanese maples. And…become a Master Gardener!
Five years later, we indeed had accomplished it all. Organic veggies and fruit with enough to feed the neighborhood, weeks and weeks of work to provide all of the wood needed for winters, and mowing amd mowing the grass during the wet spring into early summer. In fact we ended up with six different types of mowers and cutting machines to keep the forest from encrouching on our little estate. Plus electric fences to keep out the deer, turkeys, and other wild critters who wanted to take over our space. Never did figure out how to get rid of all the voles who loved to sneak up on the garden and eat the root veggies from below. It was great fun and work until it wasn’t anymore. Then it turned around and the house owned us, just like our small business, and I started to dislike the process of cutting down the trees every fall with our chain saw, cutting them up for firewood, splitting them, and season them for a year. What started as fun ended up as just plain drudgery. No wonder so many people left the land to find good paying jobs in the city! And the costs were staggering as our expenses started to increase over our income. Finally, after ten years, we sold out and found freedom!!!
I then took a solo bicycle trip across the USA (three months) and flyfished most of the great western rivers in the process…and yes! jumped out an airplane in Ontario, Canada. Wow! Once is enough! Then, after a year in grad school for a MA in ESL, we taught in the Middle East for four years and explored the world. Now at age 75, we live in a small RV and camp in Oregon and the Northwest in the summer and the Southwest in the winter. Every day is a new adventure and we love this travelling lifestyle. Now planning to bicycle through Europe next summer and take the Trans Siberian Express through Russia.
Here’s what we learned.
1) Smaller is better!!! Build a small house and pay it off before retirement. For us we could have built a 1200 sq foot house and paid cash. But with an architect our egos got too involved and we went way over the intended budget.
2) Nothing is forever. Everything is part of learning and living life (“Grist for the mill”).
3) Accept, adapt, and encourage change.
3) Be grateful for what you have. We were rich and famous once…now we are living on Social security and loving each moment.
4) Make sure you have a great partner. They add to the experience and joy.
5) Keep exercising as if your life depended upon it…for it does.
6) Celebrate each day and share the prosperity in your life through good deeds and actions. We love volunteering in the Parks and Habitat for Humanity.
7)Remember… Less is more.
David,
That’s good stuff. I’d love to use your comment on my blog.
I had to laugh reading the original post and the comments…so very similar to my situation. I am still in love with our dream home but my husband would be happy downsizing now that the kids are out of the house. It’s a dilemma many of us face at some point.
My wife wants to retire early and spend winters in Florida while I work up north. You got me thinking. We have been married for over 35 years.